What are you looking for?
So, listening to this one song made old wounds open up that I thought were already healed...
4 years ago · · divorce,
So, I'll just get straight to the point - my parents divorced when I was seven, they were "separate but still together in the same house" ever since I was two, but they didn't act like they were separate back then. I would go back and forth for around three years, living with my mom, visiting my dad... I stopped visiting my dad at 11 or so because of stuff he did, I won't go into detail. I was surfing the web and I found this song called "Love Triangle" by Rae Lynn (listen to it; it's good. Plus it'll help you really get to know how it feels to be a child of divorce. It's on YouTube, and I can't link it, so just search it up). Before I listened to this song, I thought I was over what had happened. I still live with my mom, I'm in highschool now, occasionally I have to eat out with my dad or something but it's not like I was so broken like I was at the beginning.
I listen to the first verse or so and I just start sobbing. I just can't stop listening to it and I can't stop crying. I suppose I was just lying to myself.
It hurts so much. I'm still not over it. It's all my fault. I'm the reason they broke up. I know it. I did it somehow.
I got stuck in a love triangle, and here I am, a junior in highschool, crying about it.
I just wish I had a normal childhood, yknow? I didn't get the silly photo shoots for the Christmas cards. I didn't get the "protection from boys" rants from my dad. I didn't shop or do girly things my mom. I didn't get the sleeping in the same bed as my mom and dad when I was scared to go to sleep. I didn't get to believe in Santa Claus (My dad is Muslim, mom is Christian). I didn't get my dad calling my mom gushy names. I just got him calling her by her name. The two pronged tickle fights. Nothing. For the first seven years of my life I thought that's just how families worked, after all, the movies are movies, right? No. We weren't normal. All I got was confusion, "divorce counseling" required by the state, and all my friends asking, "Why do you live with your mom?"
I remember how my dad and mom acted. They seemed to be acting like they were in love. They never kissed. Never hugged. Rarely sat next to each other. I remember how my dad would come home from work and give me all the stuff people left in the booths. I remember his car, the smell, the way the seats felt on my way home from school. I remember so much. I remember when my mom acted happy. She doesn't act happy anymore. She just looks so tired all the time. Doesn't help that she has four kids and a bastard of a new husband to deal with and take care of.
My dad called me a slut when I told him I turned to Christianity. I was thirteen at the time. He said that I'd be pregnant when I turned fifteen. Have a new boyfriend every month. Go to hell without the "true god". I couldn't believe it. It was like a bazooka just shot through my body eighty times. He threw chairs at me before, but this somehow hurt even more.
My mom took the phone and screamed into it that if he ever stepped foot onto this property again that she'd kick his ass and call the police.
But during those three years I was between the two I was so hurt and lost. I didn't know who I loved, who I wanted to stay with. I just knew that it was my fault.
The song makes me feel so melancholic and sad and I just want to punch a wall. I want to feel the way I did when I was six again. I was oblivious then. I didn't know what was going on. I felt loved. I feel like I introduced to the real world too early. I just want the short paradise I can faintly remember in the corners of my mind to come back. I just want a normal family. I just want to feel loved. And I know none of this will happen.
Okay, I think I'm done now... I'm gonna just keep sobbing in the corner now. Bye.