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Now I'm already considered as an adult but looking back to my childhood... I don't really remember anything good. No matter how hard I try to remember the good memories, I always remember the times when I screwed up or I did something bad. I know I have some good memories and I don't know why but I really can't recall anything good. I guess that's why I became detached to a point that I myself don't know anything about myself. I mean I know my favorite food and stuff but if you asked me questions like "What makes you happy?", It would take me a while to formulate an answer to that question that some people find it so easy to answer. Sometimes I even lie just to move on to the next topic and avoid that one. The more I acknowledge the fact that I can't answer those kinds of question about myself makes me more and more sad and incomplete. Makes me feel like I'm not worth anything... That I am not meant to be happy... Whats worse is that you don't really know how to fix it. Even now, I'm happier compared to how I was in the past but if I try to recall the good times, I often come up with a blank. I don't really know if other people ever felt like this but the feeling on constant loneliness and emptiness is just torture. You live for the whole day acting like you're "ok". Like you're happy because you don't want to bring anybody's mood down. You make them smile because you don't want them to feel sad. And there are times when you think that its better to be alone because you can't make any good memories... Therefore you can't forget them right? Its a messed up way to think about this but you do agree I have a point there? Or not haha. Either way... As long as I'm alive, I'll find something to fill up the emptiness. Go big or go home right?
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I understand. Sounds like it's time to do some thought restructuring and some life restructuring too!
If you want good memories, create good memories - which may mean you need to clarify for yourself what constitutes a good memory. But perhaps a relevant question might be why are you focused on the past instead of the future? or better yet, the present. Living in the present is all we've really got. And happiness, well, that's a choice. It really is. (lately I'm not feeling happy either, but that means that I've got to stop focusing on the things that make me unhappy and start creating the life I want and being grateful for what I have)
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