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Just Sharing My Story With Fellow Victims
By Novni Community Member
Hi. I'm **. This is just a brief letter to all those fellow depressed and/pr anxious people. I have ADHD with comorbid anxiety with depressive episodes. I was and still kinda am a cheerful, happy girl who loves to talk and have fun and make people feel better- unless they judge me.
My first depressive episode hit me in Summer 2013, but to keep it brief, I'll share the worst episode of my life so far.
It was in my first year of medicine, when I really liked this guy. He was aware, but he didn't like me back. In fact, he liked another girl I knew. I didn't mind that, I mean, as long as he was happy...I was good.
In brief, towards the start of my first year, his girl, for whatever reason, wasn't speaking to him. He never spoke to me unless he needed something. I didn't mind that either. But he was apparently so desperate to have her speak to him again, so desperate that he used the fact that I really liked him to get her. He texted me to randomly walk up to her and start a chat. It was weird, but I agreed.
I mean, I don't mind having chats with anyone - I love talking (when I'm happy). He called me mid-conversation, and suddenly told me he's applied somewhere else. And that his flight is about to take off within minutes - so it's a final good-bye.
I freaked out! I was like, that's impossible! Why didn't you tell me! And yes, this tantrum I broke was out loud, because I simply cant contain it within myself. I didn't want him to leave. That'd rip me. And the girl I was standing next to (HIS girl), snatched the phone from me, cause she knew who it was.
She freaked out too, and while I tried not to break down and embarrass myself in public, she came up behind me and tossed my phone in my hand saying "Stupid, he's not going anywhere."
I was shocked. He did that just to speak to her. What about my feelings? I texted him and asked: You asshole, why'd you have to make me go through shit to talk to her?
He thought I was joking, he laughed it off. Unbelievable.
Anyway, I pretended like it didn't affect me that much. He didn't apologize, but I forgave him. Days after that, weeks actually, I felt lethargic and out of energy. I forgot about the incident, but I wasn't able to renew my love for studying or talking or smiling or cheering . I was literally out of energy, as though someone took me up high and smacked me down flat on the hard floor, and now expects me to get up.
So it was about time my next psych. appointment came up and that's when I told my psychologist. He immediately told me that I was having a severe depressive episode that's seemingly followed by a wave of acute anxiety. I denied it. I didn't want my parents to know what happened. I don't like seeing them hurt.
I was like, no, I'm happy. No stress. Why am I still so out of energy.
The doc didn't get fooled. He knew me very well. Nevertheless, he prescribed Cipralex. A minor anti-anxiety drug. He also prescribed a strong SSRI, who's name I cannot recall. Anyway, so I took the prescribed dose... for one night. And I felt the worst I've ever been. I never had suicidal intentions except at that specific point of my life. We immediately had to stop the meds.
But being a person with ADHD, I figured my way out of this. I felt depressed and lethargic for 2-3 months thereafter, but I realized it was no good.
Along with my poetry and writing, I began forcing myself to re-engage in activities in uni. I began sitting with the most disruptive and funniest people in my class. And trust me, this change in lifestyle brought about a HUGE difference. I felt amazing... not because I was no longer depressed. I was. I was very fragile for a year or so after that episode. But it was the feeling of finally realizing that I was getting better. Back to my talkative self again. The girl who fools around..
So, although I'm in no position to tell you what will help you since I'm not at your place, I'd really like to suggest that you force yourself out of the waters. Strive hard.
And as for everyone else reading this, please try pulling the depressed and anxious out of their plight. A positive atmosphere. Somewhere they can engage themselves and get continuous supply of positive energy. I swear, my depressed/anxious friends, once you recover by changing your lifestyle, you'll be the strongest you've been and nothing will be able to break you.
Have a great day and good night!