What are you looking for?
Happiness, Love, and Resilience
By Emma Lange
Love is this mysterious unicorn that everyone searches for.
I see single 20 somethings that drive themselves crazy looking for their counterpart and I see 60 somethings who have been married for years still struggle to find balance and question if this person that they have spent their lives with is really a good thing. Is love what keeps us going or is it what creates the struggle?
In the past year I have learned that there are many types of love and although each different and varying in degrees, it is important and should be valued. I found out this past year that my sister’s ex-husband dates men. Although this doesn’t directly affect me, it affects the way I see and feel about love.
I so badly want to be the thing that completes someone else. Will I find it? Will it be everlasting? I don’t know, but I do know that I will search and scour this life until I find it. I will chase that feeling of completeness no matter what atrocities I have to endure. Because that’s what life is all about. Love.
A year ago this month I spent almost a week in the hospital followed by two and a half weeks in partial hospitalization getting rehab. I learned a lot about mental illness and ways to cope.
I saw other people go through struggles as hard as mine and some people just struggling with getting up in the morning. I was diagnosed with situational depression and suicidal tendencies because of this.
Knowing where I am and knowing where I was feels like such a disconnect. Why would I let someone rule my emotions so much that I would want to end my own life?
A year ago this month I found out that my boyfriend and fiancé of almost 6 years had been cheating on me with a coworker for months… all while I was supporting my dying mother through her cancer treatment. I was so lost. Within this past year I lost the two people that have meant the most to me in my entire life. But really I didn’t.
The most important person in my life is me and it has taken being hospitalized, my mother passing, and a whole host of other problems in this past year for me to realize just how strong I really am and also how much I love myself.
It has taken me 28 years to know that the only acceptance I need in my life is from myself.
I stand here a year later thinking how did I overcome all of those things?
It took an army, a different way of thinking, and it’s a journey that I am still on. I haven’t reached the end of the road and I honestly don’t think that I ever will. I will never get my mom back and I will struggle with this emptiness my whole life.
One thing that always helps is the thought that I can share my story and hopefully help someone else. Talking, communicating, caring it all helps.
Everyone will lose someone close to them in their lives, I would love for them to see me and my story and know that they can get through it. They can get through the dark valley to come out on top of the mountain and see the sun.
I hope that you find your sun and you never stop working towards it. Find your purpose and follow it with every fiber of your being, there is no other way to live this life.