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Words aren’t enough to describe or express how stupid and embarrassed I feel of myself..
I now can sit back and laugh at myself.. but deep down it brings me so much sadness..
I’m. Not. A. Bad. Person!
I stand by that I know that I may have caused conflict in my life but not with the intention it caused..
Lmao to seem heavily dependent off someone in my life was always something that dwelled on me with frustrations but then I got a job then myself worth wasn’t satisfied.. my pay was little and my ego was low I have no higher education and felt so little but overcame that feeling eventually.. I made friends and hung out got myself out of a really bad mental break I was silently going through and opened up to the wrong people.. then created a bond with someone off my frustrations and emotions and seemed like a joke, to have just been this woman with many issues someone I’ve never wanted to be or seen as but I fucking did it.. I let someone know of my feelings that I held bottled up and exploded….
jl finds out and my life spiraled out of control.. hurtful things were said I couldn’t defend myself took myself right back to the space in my head I’m a good person why is this happening again but oh so differently..
“Because in the end Jennifer you are so dependent off how people see you, your a people pleaser and that needs to stop. “
In the last 4 months of the year I’ve done nothing to progress in life while I thought I was doing everything to progress, instead I opened to someone who I thought would see me for good and left with them the impression I’m a fucking joke lmao I took my ball of emotions and rolled it out on someone like a bowling ball and in thee end they had the last laugh.. I’ve obliterated my self with embarrassment and humility because I don’t know how to control myself with words when I could have sat here and written it out for me to read later. I have people from a little of everywhere looking at me as this animal, this liar and shady person something I just never wanted for myself. I just want to be happy. I owe it to me but yet I caused nothing but an emotional outbreak and threw myself back in my head, I pleaded jl for love and opened up after my actions were caught I reacted because I have no one left on my team I felt and couldn’t get my words out properly I felt like joke, as if was standing in front of a class and they were all staring and laughing at me. All because of my feelings, it doesn’t make sense. He laughed at me he was angry at me and I had no choice but to reveal to him my thoughts and truths while knowing I’d still look a type of way, I couldn’t get to him I threw tantrums cause I didn’t know how to express my emotions, I needed someone on my side and felt as if I was a ship under attack..I was sinking.. I begged god to help me through my feelings and it made me seem as if though I was still hiding something, I cried..ugly cried and still felt helpless, I threw myself to the grown and kneeled to him begging him to understand me, something I never wish my daughter would never do, I felt broken although I caused it with all the pain I already had felt from the previous hurt he caused upon me. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror for days without feeling disgusted at the person who was looking back at me, because although i didn’t physically do anything with anyone my faults lead him to feel as if I did, as if I were this monster harming his feelings and I get it cause I’ve been there..
After he spoke to him in was so embarrassed, i felt like fuck whyyyyy how wtffffff, cause I told him everything, my truth wasn’t enough to help him save us. I felt like this is gonna be everywhere and it’s course it did, not only am I going through my mistakes I have everyone in front of me backed in a corner, JLS family knows and that scuffed my soul, I’m a genuine pure person, not anymore, better yet I have people raising their eyebrows and me.. I got Bri asking me questions to run and tell her man.. I got v looking at me like really.. a bitch even got X out of friends plans and celebrations lol embarrassed is an understatement..
I take this all as a lesson, I hope to one day to write a heart filled story..my story.. with my crazy thoughts and feelings, emotions and experiences in life
At one point I wanna seem successful, great, confident, amazing and in order to do so I really need to
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