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I'm starting to suspect that my friend of 10 years is suffering from depression or alcoholism (most likely both). I notice that he drinks heavily on odd nights (Mondays, Sundays, etc). He works from home and lives out in the country with nothing to do and nobody to visit, other than family. I know that when people are isolated in their homes for too long, they get a little weird. I see it with military wives and recluses. When he does leave the house, it's usually to go skiing, visit family (who are right next door) or to the bar. Other than that, he doesn't get out. He's also hesitant to meet with me when I'm in town, which is incredibly frustrating because we've talked everyday for over 10 years.
I have a nurturing spirit. My love language is taking care of minds, bodies, and souls, whether it be through cooking meals, tending gardens, listening, making a cozy home, etc. I'm very transparent with my willingness to listen if he ever needs an ear. Men can have a difficult time opening up about their emotions so he doesn't speak about that much. But I can see what's going on and it's sad. He's not a total mess but my feminine instincts are telling me that he's suffering somehow. I've sprinkled it into our conversations that I would love to treat him to a nice night out, give him a big hug (we're both very loving spirits), etc and he claims to be receptive but he never meets me. We FaceTime, text, etc but getting him to meet face to face has been impossible. And, truthfully, frustrating. Other than his moods, I don't believe he's hiding anything. He's single (another depressive cause I think) but the area we're from is miserable. The weather is bad all the time, people gossip because there's nothing else to talk about, and people watch you like a hawk because they're bored. It's pretty oppressive and rumors get out of hand quickly. It's a small town Pennsylvania thing. Basically, if there's any room for a scandal, they're all for it. And with family right next for, I'm sure that's looming over his head, too. I can only imagine what a strange car in the driveway would do to the community lol. Seriously, it sucks.
Anyway, I'm just feeling bad for my friend today. My heart is aching to hold him in my arms and enrich his life with adventure. I want to take him skiing (we can see the mountain from our street!) and bring a smile to his face. I want him to get sober and have a wonderful life with his daughter. I want to kiss and hug him and have him show me his garden. I want to be there for him. I want to tell him that I love him and will always be in his life no matter what he's going through. I see him for the good person he is and I want to tell him. I want to tell him how I feel and help him get through his worst times. But I also don't want to make that the focus of my visit because that might cause him anxiety. Again, men can be funny about that sometimes. But I do want to take him on an adventure. Getting him out of the house is a challenge. I just want one night where we can hang out and laugh, whether it be at his home or my Airbnb. I want to nurture him. I want to walk and talk and say the things my heart is telling me to. Human touch is so important for healing and I want him to receive that from me, or anyone.
How can I encourage him to come out of his home or invite me in?
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First, let me commend you for having the drive to help someone you love and who you believe is struggling. It takes a good heart to pursue this.
Second, while men can be notably intelligent in many aspects of daily life, picking up hints is something they can be pretty stupid at, especially if said hints are coming from a woman. That's the general rule for men. If you want him to understand that you are concerned for his well-being, you are going to have to be direct and obvious. If you think you have been rather obvious about it up to this point, try to be more obvious and explicitly state that you are worried about him and want to help him.
However, this will not guarantee that he will suddenly open up to you. Based on what you have said here, it seems you believe he is in a depressive state of being. Assuming this is accurate, something important to consider is that a common feeling linked with depression is a perpetual sense of loneliness and isolation. When I say perpetual, I mean that individuals like this firmly believe they are alone. In fact, they believe this so intensely that they will put them in situations where they are alone solely because this is an aspect of their lives that makes sense to them. "It doesn't make sense for someone like me, who is alone, to be around anyone. So, I will go be alone." I cannot say how accurately this applies to him; I'm speaking from a general application.
Another thing you mentioned also makes this situation difficult. As a man, he is going to be hesitant to opening up to others because men understand that it is their natural duty to present not a single vulnerability physically, psychologically, or emotionally. This presents a dilemma for men; they understand that being vulnerable opens them up to being seriously hurt, yet being vulnerable with someone who cares is the only way to heal, especially if their pain comes from being hurt by another person. Pair this with the lack of confidence in others that is also associated with being depressed and your situation is akin to chiseling at a brick wall with a plastic butter knife.
Based on what you have posted here, you do have honest and good-hearted intentions. However, he likely thinks that being alone is the only thing in his life that makes sense, and he is likely also scared of being ignored, rejected, or hurt by anyone, not just you.
To simplify my advice, being direct but not pushy. Explain that you want to help and why. Do not phrase your sentences with "I want to...;" instead, open them with "I feel..." After you have explained your case, let him make his own decision on how he may want to proceed. You cannot give help to someone who does not ask for it. In his case, doing so would likely suggest that you are only interested in helping him for your benefit instead of his. I hope what I have presented here helps.
ReplyThank you so much for taking the time to write this! I appreciate it! I don't have much experience with depression so this was incredibly helpful beyond words. I wish more people were kind like you. I will be back often to re-read this when I have questions about how to deal with situations. You sound educated about this. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
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