No words for it

Been through so much trauma, emotional abuse, gaslighting, bullying, isolation. I tear up when I see an actual good person I know. Truly. And sometimes I dont know what to believe. Fear that I will lose another friend to the shit storm of self righteous egos of my past. Or will someone stand up for me? For once?

I honestly dont know why I make that face sometimes. I get nervous & sweat. Maybe because I know there's no way they are there without knowing, participating in this. Maybe it's just me holding back emotions I dont know what to do with. Probably. Maybe its holding back tears. Of what I've been through. I just want to say, 'omg you would not believe what they have done to my life. With my life, my heart. You knew me. My heart. Who was, who I still am. Who I've always been. Would you please tell them?'

Tears streaming down my cheeks now. All this time I've been fighting for who I am. And stick to it & will continue to because that's who I am. My commitment to myself.

There has been so much trash talk. But it's been around me that's for sure. It just feels like the epic battle between good & evil. Pick a side. Class or trash talk. I'm no angel & I've not always made good decisions for myself in trauma & abandonment in the past, but my heart is, was & will always be until my dying breath, good. 100% & waste NO time with anything else. I cant respect it. I can love, care, hope you make better choices as a human being & give you basic respect as a child of God. But I wont respect a bad mouth. Nor anyone participates & let's this continue in my life. I cant. I wouldnt do that to anyone. They just dont seem to care about anyone but themselves. What they feel. With no regard for me.

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