I don't even feel it anymore

Everytime things start to look up, everything comes tumbling down. I'm losing my apartment that I didn't have the chance to make my home. I don't know where to go, or where to take my stuff. I feel empty. Nothing even matters anymore at this point. I don't know why the hell I keep going, or why I'm ever getting my hopes up. I had plans to get something nice for myself, start a hobby back up. Well, now I have to worry if my stuff will land in a wet garage or if I can find a place to stay. I'm scared. And I don't want to be. So I shove those feelings away. Might as well shove myself out of the window while I'm at it. My friends, my dad, nobody can help me at this moment. I'm on my own, without hope. I don't want this to happen anymore. And yet it does every time. I was thinking about going out more, doing something while I wait for appointments and finally I felt like I might amount to something more than a leech on government money. I wanted to start an apprenticeship. I was just waiting. Well would you look at that, without a place to stay, I can't even do that. I can't even apply for a job. If this really doesn't work out, I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

I might have to seriously injure myself to get the help I need. But even then, I might just get backstabbed again. So what's it worth? The world is going to shit anyways, why do I want to stick around for my friends? I don't want to die but I feel like I should just have stopped trying a long time ago.

Why do I have to suffer? I'm not the only one, but nobody deserves to go through shit like this. I had dreams and ambitions. Now all I have is a wish to fade from existence. If a genie offered me three wishes, I'd say: "Give my friends all they need to be happy, make my existence fade from their memory, and make me dead."

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