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I want straight people to imagine how daunting it can be to realise you're gay and your parents are religious and homophobic. How many readers here are monogamous? Now imagine being gay AND polyamorous. People who don't suffer from mental illness, who are straight and monogamous don't have to worry about being gay, polyamorous and having depression, anxiety and PTSD. As if things aren't complicated enough, I live with autism. I am sensitive to everything. Light, sound, criticism. I feel intensely. I'm single, so my orientation and my capacity to love are both irrelevant. My mental illness and my neurological disability make finding meaningful connections difficult. I'm having frequent panic attacks despite being in a good mood overall. I am supposed to get over my problems, but without frequent, affordable therapy, it's an uphill battle. I want to not have to have an appointment once a month to make sure my mental healthcare plan actually covers a year. Ten sessions for twelve months. Big deal. People need help more often and more than ten sessions. Shove your ten sessions up your fucking arse. I am so sick of people saying, "Get help!" after wanting to apparently hear my problems, apparently be there for me, try to fix me because I'm less a person than a project to them. I'm fucking trying. So I don't tell friends what's bothering me much anymore because they seem to believe I'm not trying hard enough. And those people who made me feel like that are not in my life anymore. They can't even see the damage they've done. Good riddance. After having my heart broken, I can't risk it again. I understand why people sleep around instead of committing to an individual because the hurt from a breakup can destroy you. A hookup wouldn't work for me either, but just knowing that someone at least finds me attractive enough to consider it makes me feel a little better about myself. I wish I could just choose to be normal, but that's not how life is. I can't choose to be straight, no matter how many knuckle dragging bigots tell me it's a choice. I can suppress my feelings enough to hide them from other people, but it makes me feel like shit. I just live my life how I can.
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