What are you looking for?
1 month ago · life, · Explicit
That's the big question. Why get up and make a cup of coffee? Why cook breakfast? Why go for a walk? Why bother even trying to get life back on track?
It's defeating, it's exhausting, it's tedious. Why do any of these things? Why not just accept that this is the end of the journey and just sleep? It's easier, that's for sure.
It's real easy to just lay back down and go back to sleep after I get done here. Though the torment of knowing will always be the wall of needles waiting when I fail.
I try to work my way through this and I'm using some tactics I know to try to stave off the feelings. Yes, this is how I feel. There's a reason as to why I feel this way.
I'm old, life has never had any leeway for me, history, fear of the unknown, catastrophizing.
So what's the worst that could happen? Take both options to their extremes.
Option 1: I lay back down and go to sleep. Where does that get me? Another 4 hours of wasted time, another day of saying "I'll do it tomorrow".
Option 2: I get up and go make some coffee, make some breakfast and go for a 45 minute walk. Where does that get me? Well it's a step in the right direction. Will I feel better after? Maybe, maybe not. My new shoes are kinda heavy, they're steel toed work shoes. So my legs are going to be extremely exhausted and my feet will very likely be sore but that's muscle development, right? Strength derived from sacrifice?
But that's as far as that goes for today. That's the bare minimum. My mind wants to keep looking at what my plans are and likes to say "here's where things go wrong, so why try?"
Do I know 100% for a fact that is where things go wrong though? No, I'm not a psychic, I can't predict the future. I can make an educated guess, but that's as far as that goes.
Who am I kidding? My mind tells me. I already know I'll just plug my phone back in and shrivel up under my blanket.
But if I continue to go against that, what happens? If I can muster up the courage and bravery to do the opposite of that, what changes?
Knowing I have to play the long game, patience is key. Something I'm still underdeveloped in. So we just keep going around on this merry go round, getting smacked by life passing every single day. Nothing changes.
I find it very odd to investigate these things, to acknowledge that this is the cycle I live in. To be aware of the fact that it's too comfortable for me to change, while also fighting to find the room to force that change.
If I change, I'm convinced it has to be all at once. It can't be something done over time, that's how my mind views it. I either am or I'm not.
And I'm going to disable my comments because I know people will want to say good things but that's not what I need. I've lived this for far too long and I know I need to find a way out.
I've studied it all up and down, side to side. Gone over the results time and time again and nothing ever changes. So I have to have the fortitude to change it, which scares the shit out of me.
Because if I can change this, then there's no reason I can't change other things and if I can change other things, then that means I have to do what everyone else does, even though it seems so complex to me.
But if I have that power to change, then it's possible and if it is possible, then I have to hold up that image for others to see that I can do those things and that is where my brain says "gotcha! You can't do that, you never could."
And so it just results in the same rollercoaster ride of having this small reserve of motivation and then falling flat back down, face down into the dirt.
But curiosity has to be strong enough to ask "what if I'm wrong?" I mean, I'm not that self absorbed to think I know everything that will happen, right? I can acknowledge that I'm capable of being wrong, right?
So why can't I be wrong about this? Or what if I'm wrong about these plans? What if things don't work? How will I adapt? What if I can't? Or what if I get to a point and refuse to grow anymore?
Well then it's back here, right? But what if I kept trying? Or what am I trying for? What is the purpose of it? I'd like to think I know what my purpose is, but that purpose doesn't really have any weight here. Not in this fight.
So what is the end goal? And should there be an end goal? And once I get to that point of crossing the threshold, what happens when I can't keep up?
There are several reasons as to why I think I should just lay back down and go back to sleep. I'm admittedly trying to write this out in order to psyche myself up, I'm not doing a very good job of it though.
Maybe I'm not giving enough credit to what the end results are. I mean you're talking about having a job, getting your first car! That's exciting, right? Love, marriage, that's exciting, right?
No. That's the problem. It's not exciting at all. Sure, love sounds great but I don't feel like wasting years on another failed relationship. Having a car sounds terrifying, people tend to forget they're literally sitting on a 2 ton missile, capable of killing someone else. And as for the job, it's either just another boring job that I know I'll walk off of the second I feel useless or I have to pursue a job that requires full attention, leading to plenty of room for me to end up getting severely injured. Does not sound good.
It would be something different though! But different doesn't always mean good. Although I am getting hungry, maybe I can use that to my advantage. Or maybe not?
And at what point do I just decide that suicide is going to have to be the only way out because it doesn't matter how much I plan, it doesn't matter how much effort I give, nothing is ever guaranteed and if I can't find that guarantee, then I'll make my own.
Here I can guarantee what will happen. I can guarantee that the result will always be what I expect. I expect to not find love, i expect to never get another job, I expect to never own much of anything, let alone something like a car or a house. I'm too damn old.
And even if I did, life will go one of two ways. Either shit will fall apart and break down like always, or shit will become repetitive and boring. Even things that I truly want like sex or affection or freedom to drive wherever I want, or working whatever job. It'll eventually get boring and then I'm back here again when shit starts going wrong and then I feel worse than what I do right now because I hate that there is just no guarantee.
I don't want this stupid reality! I don't care for it! It's fucked up, it's straight up heinous to be forced to exist here. But you gotta find some enjoyment here, right?
Well, what do I enjoy?
I enjoy love and sex and the warmth of someone else's skin touching mine. I don't enjoy much of anything else. You'd think I enjoy writing but I don't. I don't like writing all this crap one bit.
I don't enjoy being stuck here either, so something has to change bit I don't like what change has to offer and so the cycle goes on and on forever unless I force some change.
Do I even like coffee? No! I'm just using it for medicinal purposes, to combat my depression.
Do I even like the food I eat? No! It's just food for the most part.
Do I even like going for a walk? No! But again, medicinal purposes, to release even more chemicals to stave of depression.
But if I were to do that, then I have to keep doing it for any effects to really begin to show and tomorrow I just might decide to just lay back down and go back to bed instead and every single day thereafter.
At any point in time, I can decide I'm not going to do it and then that cycle breaks and I'm back here. So not only am I predicting the future, I'm projecting myself into the future and anticipating what I'll do. which is why my brain keeps coming back to this notion that I have to change everything all at once, or nothing changes at all.
Because I know me. I know what I do. This is my brain after all and I know how it works inside and out. So what am I willing to do? Where does my personal responsibility begin? Where's my self discipline?
Those are the things I have to contend with.
And as for right now, I don't know. I think I might just lay my head back down, maybe smoke a cigarette first. Because it's easier.
Knowing full well that no good life was every built on making the easy choice.
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