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Grrr. I suppose its a double edged sword but I suppose I won't go to my relatives dinner today. I was going to but I got 0 sleep, my head hurts, my anxiety or something is up my pulse has been up and ugh its not the Christmas I really wanted. Sure it could be worse I could be in a covid unit thank God I'm not. I suppose itd be plain awkward anyway if I did go I wouldn't be talking much. Itd be my aunt her man which do not talk to me, cousin his wife and her parents which I never met. Awkward for sure. My cousin and I never talk in real life anyway. He's super selfish and cold insensitive I think his mom instigated this anyway so I heard cuz we haven't had family meals in years. Idk he's a funny type person not laughing type funny but how he acts and is. I understand were not getting any younger. I'm certainly not. I might consider going if I felt better. no I didn't want to be alone on Christmas but my parents are like "you don't have to go". I know its not a big deal its one of those things that you would either be awkward or be alone. take your pick. Anxiety and sleep might be messing with me. Whatever I'll try and look for the positives today where I can.
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