Just rambling

It does seem unfair really. Though comparing yourself with others on social media is the cause of alot of insecurities in alot of people. Yes I have acquaintance's in my age range who seem to be in a better place in life than I am now. Alot of them have significant others and yes I envy that because it sucks to be alone.but better alone than have a toxic bf or gf. In part I had my life sabataged by family. Which I feel was totally unfair and i have not recovered from. But I cant undo anything.

My cousin had his college paid for and everything handed to him so he acts like royalty or something on social media his mom lifts his kids up so high , when he was just born with a silver spoon in his mouth spoiled to the point material things made him snub me. We both grew up in the same area with the same poor grandma. yet he acted better than me in school and ignored me most times. I thought it was the greatest thing in the world like hey alright I'm transferring to my cousin's school alright this will be great. No. Hell no. It was not . It was an absolute nightmare. Not only did he completely ignore me not having my back, he had the best teachers and I got the worst meanest ones with a class full of bullies. Just great. I wanted to stay home from school so much because of them. Being harassed poked and prodded, being laughed at , spat upon, shoes tied together, yelled at by teachers with anger issues taking it out on us, I Wanted to die. In part it led to self harm for a number of years before it was known about. I mean if nobody cares for you self harm doesn't matter right?

So yeah I admit I envied that too he had everything and seemingly I had crap because I had poor drug using parents. At least it got better by near upper highschool. Still I did my best to survive even playing the fool at times just to keep from being bullied. I got in the bad crowd. Started doing vandalism. Nothing like in schools today though. Skipping school. School hacking. Smoking weed snorting pills smoking cigs because I felt f*** it mom n dad or nobody else cares for me so why not.

But later I was led to church fearing death. It's where I met God and His love. He took the burdens all off my chest that was unforgettable.

Later though I met someone in church who made me insecure made me feel worthless so it sent me into an eating disorder since they made me feel something was wrong with me. They made me think they liked me then gave me silent treatment. I later stopped after getting really skinny. But nobody should make anybody feel the way that person made me feel. Who later abandoned me. They got their karma though later.

Im not ungrateful. I'm grateful of all my blessings I just wish idk I'd hoped to have been further along in life by now. But whatever I gotta take it how it comes and try to make it better if I can.

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