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today was my birthday, an event that I dreaded. Why do I fear my birthdays ? I won't throw a crazy party and have a massive hangover the next day; or do anything special for it. I resent birthdays because near this time I almost 100% get painful mental traumas from almost everything that had occurred to me. (I made sure around this time I don't do anything (no work, no events, no disruption) and just me alone)
(I don't even know how to write this)
I get memory fragments coming to me near my birthday every year. This has been occurring for past 8 years. Those flashback moments are a mix of positive, normal and negative things that happened not only in that particular year but also all the past memorable events that have occurred.
What happens when I get these flashback: it's like watching a compilation of life events I wish I never had in x2-3 mode. In responding to these scenes, I become aggressive, sad, transiently delighted, sometimes filled with suicidal intent which have led to self-harm on non-obvious body parts. One thing embedded in my mind that has motivated me to live on was debt, the debt to my parents who sold their youth and time to raise me.
Moving on, The flashback can be consistent for a while (hours) and sometimes something spontaneous shoots out. The duration often depends on how many shit came inside. My head is generally on the ground. I bite onto the squishy toy (fk im a canine now), and then a few other non-significant things. As soon as I reach prodromal phase, I usually take drugs to hopefully force me to sleep. This almost worked 100%.
As years passed and more memory made, the pain also intensified. What I figured would help was to make lesser memorable events and tried forgiving, or change my personality to see things on a different angle. However, I'm a normal human for 360/365 days. I don't want to but I make memories all the time. I have to work, get grocery, go occasional hangout with friends and family, have a social and personal life. Why do I need to pay for the sins and pain that was caused by others which I have to waste my time for??? Why do other people who have forgotten the torment they gave to others in the past, get to live on happily and have higher achievements in life? (this world isn't fair. I'm growing stronger to fight it to only realise the injustice also grows exponentially) Why should I "fix" me for others? What have they done for me? (yea f u c k ) ////did I do bad things? yes. I admit them and I mitigate or prevent these things happening again. I am fully aware of all of this. However, I am not willingly to compromise when I am not the only one in faults.////(*)
The birth of Covid-19 was good to me. I still have to go to work on-site for my day job but we had reduce contacts with people directly and more remotely. Besides, all of us had to wear masks or face coverings. To add on, I have delivered grocery and reduced shopping outdoor. Because I was less burdened/burnout with my job, I have more time to continue my equally important job (IT freelance) and actually, have some time to go for a walk with my mask on.
I don't know if I have PTSD. However, I do have peripheral neuropathy and clinical depression (the doctors I have seen gave me questionnaires to do. that's the same shit every time). I usually tick the lesser boxes then they won't leave something serious on my medical records. I keep things to myself and only open to doctors, psychologist when necessary.
To list a few memories that came to my mind yesterday (I took anxiolytic, neuropathy meds, some off list drugs, zopiclone to sleep it off yesterday at 12:24pm and woke up 10:02pm today): (Some aren't even mine)
- physically abused and bullied by some Korean gang I didn't know (never encountered) and my own classmates in high school. (Form 3-5) (*) I assumed it was because of my surname and body figure. I can never forget their names and faces. I can't let go. I wanted to hurt them back. If I have a gun that time, I will shoot them to death then suicide for their murders. (*)
- getting into university. the email that confirmed my enrolment. (I was satisfied but at the same time, it really pinched my nerve)
- a customer came in to thank what I did to help. (in my mind, I questioned this appreciation. He thanked me but I regretted helping).
- a girl walked out of Starbucks, holding a coke-coloured ice coffee (idk, I never bought anything from Starbucks). She slipped over nothing and had a small graze on her knees. There was shards from alcohol bottles on the ground. I was standing about 40 cm to her (I remembered I was the closest person to her) and I made no approach (I had and have no empathy). Other pedestrians saw the incident asked if she was well and offered to help her to first aid. In my mind was I should've waited somewhere else.
- Bought a $$ cake for Mother's Day. it was not appreciated. (she's a nice responsible mother. I love her.)
- Bad argument/fought with my ex (which ex? I honestly don't remember her name nor face; she's insignificant) over a trivial matter and broke up. (that hurt a bit more)
- went to casino with 20 bucks for the first time, made 200 bucks ROI. Burned that amount along with my 20. I put my finger in there to experience the pain. It was a bad burn.
-My friend went to protest for minority rights and freedom. I was with him, supporting him. I stepped down when he went to student commons and surrounded by literally 100s of asian people verbally belittling him. I only ran into the crowd after I saw he was pushed.
----> (in my perspective, my cowardliness and disloyalty to him(friendship) really burdened my mentality; he said I didn't have to join him) (usually I am rational to keep myself away from troubles but I often get emotional for people I care)
---> (as anyone would've figured) his Facebook and social media accounts were spammed and his safety was threatened. I kept on checking he was alright (my guilt and to be someone he can rely on).
I'm a very simple normal individual. I didn't do anything illegal or detrimental to someone's else (yet). Rather I hope no one does anything bad to me AGAIN. I don't blame why I was getting these fragments. They didn't make me stronger nor weaker. I only complain because I could have used those days for better or more productive intentions for instance, read a book on EQ, do something to fill my hollowness. ngl I want to complain why am I still a stubborn soul and why do I still remember these past events.
I'm not angry nor happy most of the time. I'm doing and experiencing things as they are.
It's been 3 hours since I've been writing on this garbage crap.
I can't sleep. I can't rest. I am super focused at the moment because I have waken from my shit-gig. Some of the drugs I have taken are treating narcolepsy. yea (sigh) . Now I'm just recovering.
I can't forget these pain as I would never forgive the people who have inflicted them on me. I don't hold a grudge to these things 24/7, 365 days unless these things spontaneously pop up. Otherwise, this negativity thought will consume me by giving me a heart or blood-related disease. (strong negative emotion boosts adrenaline or other hormones that messed up heart and other organs- its like a drug. *)
What made me write this:
> I changed the date of my birthday on social media on purpose. the friends congratulated me yesterday. I appreciated their blessings. I wasn't sad that they didn't know my birthday was in fact the next day. Some picked up that its fake birthday yesterday. Some close bff knew my condition and checked if I was okay.
> I wanted to txt I was fine to them individually. But individually is repetitive and I prefer DRY. Then I want to post publicly but my posts are constantly monitored/moderated by colleagues, clients, acquaintances, and bff who don't know my condition. Besides, I keep things to myself.
> then I googled anonymous posts. Whala - novni is the first search result. (well done).
> I mean I have websites too. But its work, business, and a positive personal blog (fking hypocrite). I wasn't ready to make a new website on a days I am mentally ill. After today and tomorrow, I won't write about the same stuff until next year therefore nah. 2) I don't get paid to make a website out of my negativity. I can't imagine there are sick psychopaths trying to affiliate their bullsh@t products on a negativity blog. I can't do it morally anyway.
Thanks for reading.
(*elaborate later)
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