What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
If you are in crisis and need immediate help, please call 1-800-273-8255 (NSPL) or text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line). More resources.
I've through so much. Depression, suicide thoughts and now I'm trying to better myself. Not only on my own thoughts about myself, but thoughts about others. I'm trying to watch what eat, I'm trying to meditate more, and do more physical exercise. I'm trying to limit the harsh words I tell myself. I try to praise myself more often. I'm trying to do better in school and paying attention to my career and goals. I not doing it to be liked or to gain popularity, but I'm doing it for myself. I want to be a better person. I don't want to get angry so often. I don't want to use too much sarcasm as I used too. I don't want to think bad of people when they are offensive, mean or rude. I try to think of what I went through and I try to why others act like this and try to understand them. I try to remember that I used to be really mean and rude too. I mean I still am, but it's less now. I don't want to cry on useless things. I don't want other people's negative behavior to affect me. I noticed that ever since my depression I've had more crush on people that I probably never actually liked and just because I have a fear of rejection. So, I like to keep my options. I don't want to have multiple crushes, but if I just stick to one, it could also be risk of heartbreak. I feel like I'm too needy. I feel like I need to be more feminine. I feel like I'm too selfish and self centered. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve friends or anyone for that matter. I feel like I should just throw myself into a pit. Will anyone come looking for me if I died? I think so, but would they really? I feel a bit pressured in school or maybe a lot, but maybe I brush it off and not notice it. I feel like a bad person, but I wish the best for people. I know that some part of me wants to cry, and scream harsh word at myself and die. I feel that if my reflection was alive she would laugh at me. There's a part of me knows I'm ugly and reminds me even though I ignore it. Maybe I just want people to like me, but just doesn't want to admit it. Maybe I'm not ok, but it just feels normal to me, so which leads me to believe that everyone is like this too. I don't no why, but I feel like I put on a smile when I arrive to school even when I'm probably hurting inside. I don't want people to stare at me I'm while crying at school every single day. I don't want people having to hear me cry. I don't my friends to see me like that. I don't want anyone to pity me. I say that I'm fine, but am I really? Am I really better than I was during my depression? Why, do I put on a smile all day and hide the fact that I'm not doing better. Why am I lying to myself. Why? Why don't I tell my therapist all this? What, just because I say to myself that my feeling aren't valid enough? Why I tell you just why? Why, do I feel so selfish and self centered all the time? Why do I keep telling myself that no one wants me and when I think someone does. I just tell myself that they're being friendly, I must have interpreted wrong, oh they were talking about someone else or they didn't mean it in that way. Why do I feel like I bad person and feel that at the same time I'm a good person? I feel like my parents aren't helping me even though I know they care for me. Maybe I really am I bad daughter and just doesn't deserve a family or anyone. Maybe, I ask for too much and should lower my expectations. I'm ashamed of my mom's side of my family. I don't think that what they did to my mother was good. I don't like my aunts who gossip. I don't like my grandma who stays with man who doesn't love her. I'm upset that my mother's cousin and his wife don't like us and avoid us. I know my mother's family talks about us. I always thought my father's side of the family was so much better, but I'm second guessing myself if that's true. Now that I'm older I feel like I have to act a certain way around them and not be my true self. I feel like they view me in a way that's not the best. The more I think about it the more I realize that I really do plaster a smile every day to the point where I see it as very normal. I can now see how I take myself from this reality and put myself in another one even though it's not real and only for some time. That's how I keep myself from actually seeing and accepting all of this.
Comments have been disabled by the author
More Posts
-
Dear wtf,
I been meaning to write for a while and keep putting it off. Gotta keep reminding myself to work on my relationships. To work on myself to stop being a self cen...
-
What do I do ?
I'm suffering from Misophonia and Light-sensivity. It means some sounds triggers me and I have to stay in darkness, otherwise, I will get scared because of ligh...