An endless confusing thoughts!!

Dear Dae,

Hello, how've you been these days?. I hope your family and you are doing well. today I wanted to talk about what am I have been doing these days. firstly, I keep having a thoughts about my ibadah, lol!. I was finding my firm, intelligence and hardworking self cause I was that kind of person a long time ago. Im thinking to improve myself to be a better person. I wanted to change real badly as long as Im still alive I knew when you focus on the day of judgement and you are working for it and it won't be useless cause when you focus on akhirat you will get dunia at the same time!. but, this feelings are weirdo it makes me thinks real detail about Allah. i was working hard to not to waste much time and i still can't be firm with my time. i know that i should follow my schedule but we "people" what do we want is just to feel free at all the time. i kept being super lenient with myself, what my heart wants i give what i feel, i follow and it makes me disgust with myself everytime when i do it. i wanted to improve my english grammar, pronunciation and vocabulary by reading books but i don't feel like it. in addition, i real wanted to be real good at writing poems and essay or story. my vocabs should be real good like the way i write it and the grammar should be right but it's not that easy to be like zi qing, my best friend. she wrote an essay like a bookworms people, wrote it real simple and it was real easy to be understand. she got twenty over twenty on her essay last time, im not saying this like im envy with her not like that. im being honest, thats is me!, i cannot keep everything on my heads for long times cause i will be super depressed and moody. once i start to be moody i won't get out easily, i will be real negative and i won't show my dandelions side of me anymore, everything will be real fake. hard for me to show my real smile like when i was eleven to twelve. ive been super different and quiet last then cause i have been exposed to look up about teenagers reality and i did feel like wanna just be an adult. since last year, i was in my first year of being in a high school and it went super hard for me about my academy but not with my friends, cause everything about my friends and family were just okay. not like this year, my friends that are close to me, they betrayed me but i don't feel real hard to forget them because during our friendship life i'd always put on a mindset to not love people too much cause everyone will leave you one day and it will be you and you god. yea, it does help me a lot. since then, i started to facing a trust issues with my other friends. secondly, it about my diet and sunnah. i have been super focus on my life style. i can see that since i was young i have been feeding by a not healthy foods. its isnt that negative, of course!. i ate everything what my mom cooked for me but the foods that my mom cooked is quiet high in cholestrol, salt and carbs. about sugarity it is me who decided how much do i wanna take in a day. not my mom faults. when i was young i just eat everything without hesitating about the food potion cause i didnt see the effect afterwards. now i see cause i already four teen years old girl and i gain weight super fast. to be example i exercise for a week and still takes care about my food potion and i only took two days by eating a few foods but in lots amount and i did not exercise and i gained 2 kg for a couple days. ??? don't you think its sucks? stop right here, too much things on my head, continue later, cya friend!. bye.

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