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The fucking nightmare of dealing with an actual narcissistic and possibly sociopathic piece of work, along with their brainwashed flying monkeys couldn't get their hands dirty and covered in blood by killing me. Yes, ending my life when I was really vulnerable, defenseless and weakened to the core.
Why?
Apparently, I deserved to be punished according to the narcissist and their ignorantly-brainwashed followers.
I never really understood for what I was being punished for to begin with and none of which made any fucking sense at all. I couldn't figure it out and it bearly drove me nuts. I couldn't reason with such a person, as they seemed too chicken shit to even confront me in person and be civilized enough to even talk to me in person. Instead hid behind alot of things and covering up all their heinous acts in the process.
I guess there was a sense of fear?
Why else would someone not confront you in person about a particular problem, situation or issue?
I really don't fucking know what the fuck was going on and why at the time.
Despite, my many efforts in the past asking for answers, explanations and to be confronted in person about whatever the fuck was the issue or problem.
Everything that was deliberately done to me was just below the belt,incredibly sneaky and overall cruel to the core.
Yet, it was okay to deliberately destroy another person and possibly damage or ruin their life for another's gratification?
Somehow there was every excuse in the book to have me be intentionally harmed, abused, tormented and suffer at the hands of others. However, wouldn't an unempathetic and treacherous mind find it way easier to just kill me?
Did i miss something?
Are their some kind of concerns that in the afterlife that I'll torment and haunt those until they die for killing me?
I mean... it's a possibility, right?
Oh maybe, it's because of more religious reasons? Isn't it a sin to murder another living and breathing person?
Don't you think "God" has already seen the true intentions that were being played at heart?
How "God" seen everything that was planned, plotted and premeditated against another person, in efforts to harm and dehumainze them deliberately?
Don't you think "God" had seen it all and is still watching?!
That "God" had seen, heard and felt the insufferable pain that was happening, all due to the intentional actions of certain people?
Is doing something to another person that was far beyond unreasonably cruel, evil and intentionally malicious all forgiven suddenly? Does throwing in a couple of prayers, asking for forgiveness from "God" and reading that book called the Bible, makes it all go away?
Suddenly, it makes you a saint afterwards, despite your true intentions in the first place that wasn't a un intentional mistake?
Is mocking "God" to being some idiotic deity a smart approach, if you are reglious?
How is it all okay afterwards, after intentionally damaging another human being and whatever was left of their life?
All is suddenly forgiven and you still have a chance or place in paradise in the afterlife called "Heaven"?
The damage that was deliberately inflicted upon me for a significant amount of time, nearly pushed me to commit suicide and it was almost successful.
I'm alive and suffering still from all of that trauma that i was intentionally put through at the hands of other people. Due to alot of carelessness, unempathetic behaviours and so on... that I was faced with, it just made things so much worst for me in the end. I never imagined I could fall apart even more, by still having to try and pick up all the broken pieces of myself again in the aftermath if it all. I didn't have to provoke any of it but what could give anyone the right to harm me in the first place anyway?
I tried to get answers but nothing! I reflected so much on myself for possible reasons for why this was happening to me and the cause, it lead to nowhere. I didn't bring it upon myself as for what other people decide and intentionally do towards me isn't my responsibility. Only my own reactions, actions and responses is my own responsibility. I'm responsible for what i do and not for what i don't do. I have no control over what people want to or choose
to believe in, but let people see for themselves. If they have some common sense they'll figure it out on their own, but I don't own an explanation where it's not needed and where even if i were to share my side of a story i still wouldn't be believed in.
I've grown extremely tired of having to explain, defend myself and feeling the need to prove to others. Frankly speaking, i use to care too much what other people think but now, i don't even bother anymore ocer nonsense.
I have nothing to hide for any of my mistakes I've made in the past, never intentionally harmed anyone anyways and I know myself enough to know where i did fuck up. If some people feel justified to guilt trip me and shame me for my past mistakes, just know that pointing out my sins doesn't make you a saint either in the end.
Anyways...
The fact that my emotional,physical and mental suffering hasn't been fully healed or recovered yet. I still have moments where i struggle here and there in general moving forward because of the memories. There's alot to be done in order to gain back a part of my self that I have long lost. Having to go such a long way ahead before i can fully feel safe, happy, good, healthy and motivated again. It isn't fair but this is what I have to deal with.
Instead of being killed, I am left to continuously suffer in silence because I've been painted out as crazy and that's another issue.
Apparently, in the mind of a narcissist it's somehow always justified to intentionally hurt and make people suffer, right? Yeah, everything was my fault and i deserved to be punished by being harassed, mistreated, belittled, bullied, tormented, stalked, verbally,physically, mentally and emotionally abused and all the other negative bullshit that was thrown at me. I literally been through a different kind of hell and back.
I would of much rather die,quick,easy and painlessly than having to suffer. Having to suffer and be traumatized even more in the aftermath.
Could of done me the favor to kill me instead.
If there's a "Hell" in the afterlife, I'll probably see all my abusers there anyways.
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