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There isn't anything left for people to hurt me with anymore.
I have nothing left.
I lost everything that mattered most to me and is considered preciously unreplaceable.
Enough damage was done towards me that will last me a long time and it might take a time before I can fully recover from it. I just don't know. There isn't a time limit to when someone should recover from any form of abuse or trauma.
It wasn't your typical petty little jabs here and there that children normally do when they don't know any better.
No, this was full blown psychological, emotional,verbal and physical abuse by grown adults that I'm speaking of. Grown adults who know better but lack empathy to care how it would severely impact another person's well-being and life.
These people knew exactly what they were doing towards me, how to do it and there was no remorse for intentionally harming me. It was all very cunning,callous and cruel but there's absolutely nothing to justify it.
You have no control over what other people choose to do, as these actions weren't mistakes or accidental. These were intentional actions meant to harm someone. These people premeditated a plan to hurt and harm me when i was vulnerable. They made a choice and that choice was to harm and do bad to someone else, that someone was unfortunately me in this matter.
I was targeted for some reason and nothing i tried lead me closer to any sort of explaination and answers as to why this was even happening. It took me awhile to realize that I was wasting my time braking my head over it by trying to figure it out.
I had asked to be confronted in person if there was a vaild problem. To be spoken to directly and try to understand the situation or what was going on. Whom am I kidding, you can't really reason with such people anyways. It didn't matter because the way these people went about it was clearly malicious in nature. There's no way of me sugarcoating that shit because there was nothing good about it and nothing good that came out of it.
What went on and what happened to me was abuse. It was certainly toxic in nature and nothing healthy.
None of it came from a good place and in my best interest. It didn't come out in good faith, love, compassion and understanding etc... This all came from a place of pure hatred, curelty and I'd say evil because of the sheer lack of remorse.
They hurt me.
They hurt my feelings.
They made me cry.
They made me feel bad.
They made me feel like I was going crazy.
They played with my life and well-being.
They harmed me and that's valid enough.
Who's to say that my pain and suffering isn't real or vaild?
The aftermath was that i ended up becoming completely different because of how much it changed me. I stopped caring, i became numb and desensitized. The abuse did enough damage to brake me and I suffered immensely from it. Hardly anyone was there to protect me and be at my defense because i just don't think anyone would believe me. Everyone has something going on in their lives and you don't want to feel like a burden to them either. These very people who hurt me really went too far and pushed me to the very edge of what i could tolerate. It created unwanted thoughts of me wanting to end my life, i was very close to killing myself and committing suicide. I was being mentally, emotionally, verbally and even physically abused.
I didn't feel safe anywhere i went in public alone and made it difficult to feel safe around anyone at the time. I was very hypervigilant and had a hard time trusting anyone near me, over analyzing their intentions towards me. I started to become defensive and that wasn't who i was. It was what i had learned is called reactive abuse. It made me feel helpless because i didn't have anyone or anywhere to turn to for comfort. I didn't get the help i really needed to feel safe and protected also. It got bad where I contemplated in getting the police involved, but it's very tricky when there isn't enough evidence and proof.
I doubted that anyone would believe me without thinking i was becoming mentally unwell. It's frustrating when you know yourself and seen what people were doing towards you. You weren't imagining it or hallucinating what was clearly visble to see it for what it was. If you pay attention to your surroundings it makes sense and you can tell what isn't natural behaviour. Your abuser/s will use that to their advantage by making you appear as though you're losing it, that you're going crazy and is mentally unstable. If you watch that movie Gaslight, you'll understand what I'm talking about. They'll even go as far as creating, triggering illnesses within you and use your mental illness or weaknesses to their advantage.
You wouldn't imagine how very alone and isolating it was for me, but that only made matters easier for my abuser/s to do more harm and get away with it.
My abusers lied. They lied so much about everything and even lied about me. Don't think any of them really knew me well enough in the first place, but it was all to make it easier to attack, hurt me and justify it later.
I've been broken and traumatized by that whole entire fucked up situation that occurred. I'm no longer the same person anymore because it did change me. I'm not the same anymore and see things in an entirely different light.
I feel that there was an injustice on the matter and i wish i was protected. I wish I had a stronger support system but that's too late. I can only hope that nothing of what I've been brutally put through will be done to someone else.
I'm responsible for my own healing, my only wish was that it would be quicker and easier to recover from it. It's not easy in the slightest getting over trauma and abuse even for the strongest of people...
I had no idea what kind of people i was going to be dealing with and you just don't always know what people's true intentions are towards you in general until it's too late. I felt pretty defeated as i feel so much was stripped away from me and It's hard to gain back what isn't replaceable within your life. There is no time machine to turn things around, change outcomes and prevent it from happening. You're forced in having to live with it and try to make the best out of detrimental situations. I learnt alot from my abusers and it's something that you just don't ever forget.
I believe the most dangerous thing in the world is a person that has nothing to lose.
Does it still hurt?
Well, you'll never really know.
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