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It's evident that certain individuals want me to suffer and it's uncertain as to why. I'll never get the truth as to why and it bothers me. I just want the truth as to why some people enjoy watching others suffer and cause them to intentionally suffer!
Do you ever get that strong feeling that something doesn't make any sense, add up and feel right because of certain incidences that have occurred within your life? That's exactly what i had felt for so long and I still couldn't put my finger on it. Do you know how difficult it is to prove something when people don't experience, see and understand themselves? How they don't understand what's going on with you and whatever is done towards you. It's frustrating and really debilitating.
I have no doubt that these people wanted to keep me alive, only to continue in having me suffer and completely ruined.
That's the only reason as to why they didn't want to get blood on their hands. They could of easily killed me while I was at my most vulnerable giving birth and making it look like an accident. The thought of hurting a defenseless woman while she's giving birth must of crossed minds and then justify it. Matters have escalated since then that had triggered more dentrimental issues, struggles and distress. I'm trying to get my life back together after such a nightmare of events that had happened and were out of my own control.
I believe i was deliberately harmed giving birth and had my human rights violated. I had my choices taken away from me without my acknowledgement. I think there's more to it than what i suspect and know for now. Apart from suffering a traumatic and difficult child birth which isn't forgettable.
I had gradually struggled mentally and emotionally with my mental health. That was completely horrendous experience and it just got worst from there. I was brutally having multiple mental health labels just thrown around at me by a few mental health professionals.
It was all very confusing, frustrating, stressful and hurtful in many ways. It's like no one was really listening to me and cared enough to listen when i spoke. It would seriously make you think like, what the fuck was the point of reaching out for help if the help is unknowingly going to traumatize you even more and make it worst! I never felt the extremes of being distressed before but i did. My overall mental and physical health was being impacted. My mind couldn't handle the amount of stress that was happening within that time and all at once. It was one thing after another to which I felt isolated and alone. It's heavy on the heart because my goal was to get help with my mental health at the time and work on myself. One point I had experienced emotional blunting but it's hard to explain and describe it. It's basically when your emotions get cut off suddenly. It scared me and it made me panic even more, because something like this never happened to me ever in my life before.
What I experienced and what I noticed was having difficulty in crying, laughing and even smiling. Things that I should be able to express emotionally and for some reason I couldn't express any other emotions, not even anger. I felt numb emotionally and like a robot without any ability to express emotions. I do believe because of the extreme amounts of distress that i've experienced and was prolonged, somehow managed to do something to my brain. It's like my brain went to overdrive and had shut off as of means to protecting itself. I still have some memory problems with events that occurred that time because i think it was traumatic and extremely stressful. After ridiculously being hospitalized 3 times, i find myself ending up with a specific and severe mental illness. To be a bit more transparent about which one, it's one of the psychotic disorders.
I don't believe any proper tests were done thoroughly and being well conducted before coming up with this diagnosis.
I remember being forced to take anti-psychotics at one of the psychiatric hospitals.
If you refused to take your meds when they offered it to you and without you being aggressive about it, they would bring force into it anyway. I'm talking about a few people, even men holding you down and injecting you with the medication. This was alot more stricted than the other places which made it more frightening but not all was bad. It was rather interesting being surrounded by other mental health patients but I felt way out of place each time. I had witnessed some really messed up situations because some patients had more serious mental health issues and weren't well. Growing up i had already recognized prior that i do have some struggles with my mental health. However they were never to that extreme as such within that label and psychotic disorder!
Already such a label has a harsh stigma attached to it when it comes to mental illnesses and disorders. You also have many people whom aren't fully educated enough on the topic of mental health and can hurt the person suffering from a mental health issue.
It made me feel helpless, voiceless, defenseless and unheard by others at times by some mental health professionals. It's not an easy job to begin with treating others with mental health illnesses and disorders etc...
Although, i had felt let down by a few systems that was suppose to help me, when i'ved reached out for help on your own terms and wanted to get better. I don't believe in taking medication, unless you absolutely have to and it's actually going to make you feel better. I've taken anti-psychotic medication that wasn't working and the reason it wasn't working, is because it's treating something that i don't genuinely have. Go figure.
I'm stuck with a mental health label for awhile now and it makes me uncomfortable to share with others because it would give people the impression that I'm "crazy" or "potentially dangerous". If you saw me in real life you would never even guessed that i was hospitalized 3 times. Anyways, for the longest time i felt gaslighted into believing that i'm severely mentally unstable and made to feel like I'm going crazy. The fact that my abusers were using some of my vulnerabilities against me and now can use this against me too. It's just the cherry on top of this whole mess which i felt was all set up. If there is any antagonization and instigation of certain individuals trying to push me into commiting suicide, then they'd easily get away with it.
If I went through with committing suicide, it would look like it's my fault because of my mental health diagnosis and it would be used in that context. This implys that my mental health is the cause of my suicide.
If i had a choice, I would of rathered be killed bleeding to death at the time during child birth, than go through all that rollercoaster of hell and still suffer. How devastating do you think it is when it seems like no one believes you, trusts you and are skeptical about you. I'm suffering in silence and this is what I feel is incredibly cruel.
Should of fucking killed me!
Fuck!
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