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I still have dreams where I’m you, the young boy who would wake up on a Saturday morning at 07:30 and watch whatever was on the discovery channel instead of cartoons, even if it was a mayday marathon which made you refuse to fly for years. Who the day he turned 6 woke up before everyone and made sure he went and watched treehouse to see if he didn’t like little kid shows anymore, also testing to see if he could all of a sudden lift the couch or was any taller (as you was 6 so you to be 6ft tall now obviously, don’t worry kid it only took another 6 years, now another 8 years after that and you are almost 7 ft). The kid who’s biggest fear in life was the house burning down and losing your carebear (don’t worry he’s still ok and I still make sure he’s safe). Man you were so innocent then, not corrupted by the years and all that’s come With them. No sense of politics, economics or disaster. The kid who still believed in Santa and had a freak out as you had just discovered the Santa tracker and saw he was in the country and everyone at your aunts party was still awake and he wouldn’t come otherwise. So your older cousin had to explain timezones to you and that you still had some time before he came. Who would cry every Christmas thinking he would get coal in his stocking.
Man I wish I could be you again for a bit. Fuck just even to say a couple words to you just to give you some reassurance about things. Maybe I could quell those little anxiety’s in you when they were still smaller than you. Instead of having them fester and evolve and grow bigger and bigger. I wish I could stand by you a few times when you’re older and stop some of the bullying you went through. I wish I could support you in the ways I now know how to do back when everything came to a head and your anxiety really broke you. I wish I could do anything to make what you’re going to go through easier.
You don’t have a bad life by any means. You turn out pretty good I think. We are an anxious and depressed wreck but we are loved and respected and all that. Don’t worry it’s not utter hell. Just you think now that things are going to be different. Than they are. I’m kinda confusing myself on which age we are at for who I’m writing this to but if you’re in 9 or 10 you might get the idea of what happened. By then you should be realizing you only have a few years of elementary left and then things are going to change and you get scared. You were scared of change before to but never really realized it until now right? You’re worried about losing some friends (mainly L (side note please get over your crush on her, would maybe save our friendship as she’s a good friend for you, which is why you had the crush but I wish we didn’t loser her like we did) and O, even E a bit even though you hate her at this time). They are your friends and you are scared to go to different schools as them and lose them. First of all I hate to say it but you are going to lose them, it hurts a bit still now as you should’ve reconnected in highschool but after everything that went down it didn’t happen. But yeah that fears there right? It doesn’t quite take over in junior high, you do fine there. But having them around would’ve helped (although it also could’ve hurt). You’re going to get bullied a bit in junior high, by some people you were friends with to and you’ll ignore it but it will hurt. And it will hurt a lot.
Look to put it straight now you have a bunch of anxiety and it affects you badly and you stop going to school for 2 years. It fucking sucks. Things go bad first days of high school you have a panic attack dad one and a cunt of a teacher and it leads to a major break down. It spirals from there and you take along time to crawl out. It’s tough and it fucking hurts, you still haven’t really gotten past it and it always threatens to drag you back in. Some good comes out of it in that you meet some people you are so glad you met . But it’s not enough to really make it worth it, especially since you are too scared to ask them to hang most days and just text them often. Honestly if you still want to meet those people just go to the school B went to as that’s where you met them, they are a year younger so you may not end up meeting them more then in passing but that would also solve other problems you had. But who knows.
I’m going to hope that by telling you all this you will be able to avoid it or fight stronger as you do have it in you although it’s really hard and I wasn’t cut up for it so I hope this gives you the motivation you need. But I’m also scared I make things worse. Just know I love you buddy and I’m proud of you despite all of this. I hate myself but I don’t hate you. You didn’t know any better and were going blind. Hindsight is 20/20. Even though we hate ourselves now we are still so fucking proud of ourselves and are an amazing person so don’t change yourself too much as we don’t want to lose that. Just want a little better mental health. It’s up to you if you want to ignore this or not. I genuinely have no suggestions. On one hand i still don’t know how this turns out and It might be bad to change everything as things could be worse. On the other things could be a lot better. If you do change things do me a favour and keep track of your Pokémon platinum game a bit better. I’m annoyed we lost that lol.
I love you so much and can’t wait till you grow up and get to know who we become. Maybe you’ll have the better mental health than me but again don’t think you have ti change anything. It just is rough when I’m writing this , there’s still plenty ahead that it might turn out awesome. I just want to let you know that we get through the real rough times mostly ok. Fuck you may not even become me anyways. It’s your life. I just thought id say hi as i was you once and I miss you.
Your future self on august 28th 2023 lying in bed at 1 am. Smiling with tears as he reminisces about you.
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