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It feels like I'm not allowed to want and have anything good within my life.
I'm not allowed to be happy.
I'm not allowed to be loved.
I'm not allowed to have some attention.
I'm not allowed to be cared about.
I'm not allowed to be listened to.
I'm not allowed to have my own opinion.
I'm not allowed to have my own beliefs.
I'm not allowed to be my own individual person.
I'm not allowed to feel free.
I'm not allowed to feel good.
I'm not allowed to think for myself.
I'm not allowed to speak for myself.
I'm not allowed to feel beautiful.
I'm not allowed to feel smart.
I'm not allowed to be confident.
I'm not allowed to have a voice.
I'm not allowed to be respected.
I'm not allowed to have family.
I'm not allowed to have friends.
I'm not allowed to have a boyfriend/husband.
I'm not allowed to have sex.
I'm not allowed to be a mother and experience motherhood.
I'm not allowed to be a wife.
I'm not allowed to have more kids.
I'm not allowed to find love.
I'm not allowed to have meanful relationships.
I'm not allowed to smile.
I'm not allowed to express my thoughts and feelings.
I'm not allowed to improve and do better.
I'm not allowed to have values.
I'm not allowed to have hobbies.
I'm not allowed to have and learn skills.
I'm not allowed to be motivated.
I'm not allowed to set boundaries.
I'm not allowed to feel safe.
I'm not allowed to feel like a survivor.
I'm not allowed the truth.
I'm not allowed to feel like I matter.
I'm not allowed to be healthy.
I'm not allowed to love myself.
I'm not allowed to be successful.
I'm not allowed a better future for myself.
I'm not allowed to have peace.
I'm not allowed to heal.
I'm not allowed to live.
Apparently, I'm not allowed any of those good things I've mentioned above that I would like to have within my life. Instead and supposedly i'm only allowed to have all the negative.
I'm allowed to be miserable.
I'm allowed to be unloved.
I'm allowed to be ignored.
I'm allowed to be uncared about.
I'm allowed to be unheard.
I'm allowed to believe only whatever people think I should believe in.
I'm allowed to have people say who i am, what i am, how I should be.
I'm allowed to feel trapped and stuck.
I'm allowed to feel like shit.
I'm allowed to let people think for me.
I'm allowed to let people speak for me.
I'm allowed to feel ugly.
I'm allowed to feel stupid.
I'm allowed to have low self-esteem.
I'm allowed to shut the fuck up.
I'm allowed to be disrespected.
I'm allowed to be disconnected from family.
I'm allowed to be friendless.
I'm allowed to be forced into the single life.
I'm allowed to not find a boyfriend/husband.
I'm allowed to no sexual intimacy because other people think so.
I'm allowed to feel no sexual pleasure because other people think I shouldn't.
I'm allowed to feel like I'm not a good mother and don't deserve to experience motherhood.
I'm allowed to have no title as a wife/girlfriend but mistress, side chick etc...
I'm allowed to have people say what I should do with my body and reproductive organs.
I'm allowed to be forced into being prevented from having more children, without my consent and acknowledgement.
I'm allowed to not deserve to find love.
I'm allowed to have and tolerate meaningless or empty relationships.
I'm allowed to have zero values.
I'm allowed to believe that I can't possibly have and do any hobbies.
I'm allowed to believe I have no skills and can't learn any skills.
I'm allowed to be unmotivated and discouraged.
I'm allowed to have zero boundaries.
I'm allowed to feel unsafe and unprotected.
I'm allowed to believe in lies and be deceived.
I'm allowed to believe i should remain unhealthy.
I'm allowed to believe that I should hate myself.
I'm allowed to believe that I'll never amount to anything and be unsuccessful.
I'm allowed to believe that there is no future for me.
I'm allowed to repress my thoughts and feelings.
I'm allowed to be stuck in or only have unhealthy and toxic relationships.
I'm allowed and deserve to be abused.
I'm allowed to be used.
I'm allowed to harmed.
I'm allowed to be mistreated.
I'm allowed to only cry.
I'm allowed to be taken advantage of.
I'm allowed to believe I'm a victim.
I'm allowed to feel hopeless.
I'm allowed to remain and be stuck traumatized.
I'm allowed to struggle.
I'm allowed to feel worthless.
I'm allowed to give up on everything.
I'm allowed to believe I'm a bad person.
I'm allowed to believe that i deserve only chaos.
I'm allowed to believe that i should remain unhealed and feel pain.
I'm allowed to only suffer.
I'm allowed to go kill myself.
I can't help but really wonder is it just me doing this to myself, are other people having an influence on things, wanting nothing good to happen to me and hope for the worst, or is it combination of both?
Are the good things I would like and want too much to ask for?
Am I not deserving to have anything good and healthy within my life too?
Am I such a bad person?
I don't know and I can't do this anymore.
-_J
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