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I feel like crying and like total shit at the moment because I'm thinking about situations that happened to me in the past as a teenage girl...

I still get moments of this gut wrenching and heart dropping to my stomach feeling, that everything that happened to me was all my fault. I always thought about what if i didn't do that, would things be different for me and the answer is maybe, but not everything was in my own control...

I was naive and didn't have better judgement in certain things...

I always thought that If I hadn't hung out with the wrong group of "friends", I wouldn't of gotten myself in trouble, especially with guys but there's other things that had played a factor in it too.

There is something else...based on something someone said to me, but this was said while we were having sex and that just really threw me completely off, we're both consenting adults.

I don't really feel safe and comfortable enough going into detail of what was said, but it was enough to have an impact on me internally. I just felt like I wasn't even there for a moment and was completely disassociated after what was said but i brushed it off. Always was able to fake a smile in order to hide my pain and nobody notices but I'm okay with that.

Anyways, just brought back memories and certain experiences...

When I was 15 years old, I met this one guy who turned out to be an older man that was probably in his early 30's but i don't know for sure. What I do know is that he was very much older than me and not at all in his 20's. The whole experience was... i dont even know how to explain it and put a word to it. There was alot of talking, some of it strange but I was for some reason so intrigued at the time. To make it short, I ended up consenting to having sex with him and we did...

Looking back, I didn't think it was wrong even though I did consent to sleeping with this older man, that was clearly an adult.

I only found out much later in my life of what grooming was and all of that.

I never saw the man ever again, as he disappeared and i didn't report him to anyone. Hardly anybody knows about this except very few and they found out which got me in trouble which was a whole thing...

Don't want to get into it...

I know I'm kind of fucked up inside for certain things that happened to me growing up and i think some of it was due to having daddy issues too. What i put myself through could of been avoided but there was alot that happened that was just out of my own control and I was young...

I know better now but I'm not perfect...

I still need to heal and work through my personal issues that are hidden deep within me. I don't think many will understand and ever really know,especially those around me.

One thing i will say is that people need to be loved,especially at a vulnerable age and that is a form of protection in its self...

-_

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