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Gosh, I was in such an emotional mess yesterday when I saw my old crush at the liquor store. I don't think she saw me. Even after all these years, I still have feelings for her. I don't know if I want to cry, or kiss her... Well, I haven't done either one.
I think the reason why I felt so emotional is that I feel some guilt about our relationship. I met her at a time when she was still presenting as male. Back then, I did not have the same understanding of transgender topics that I have now. I wanted to support her, love her, but I can say now that I had no fucking clue what I was doing. It's a shame that she entered my life at that time. But I don't know that I would be the person I am now if I hadn't met her. I doubt she was aware of this, but I'm starting to think that she planted the seeds of change in my psyche. It wouldn't be until several years after she faded out of my life when those seeds reached their full flower. You know how they say that some people need time to process being introduced to LGBTQ+ topics? I was one of those people. In fact, I would later realize that I am a bi-angled aroace. Isn't it funny how life works out like that?
I had been wanting some closure about my old crush. I wanted to know how she remembers me. Maybe now I don't need to know that. Depending on how she feels about me, maybe I don't want to know. I still have the memories, the drawings she gave me, and... even the knowledge I have now.
I hope you are doing well, J. I love you.
-L
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