It makes me mad...

I get mad to the slightest fucking provocation... not even angry, just mad. I know it might be my fault, but it doesn't feel like it. You wouldn't believe it if I told you, what makes me so fucking miserable and unhappy. Humans and even animals, no one escapes my triggers. I don't know if anyone here can relate YET (because not to offend anyone but I don't want little kids to give me advice, you are still going through it KID), but sometimes I make noises or display my anger with sounds... does it make any sense? Like if I hear three taps, I respond with three taps... I know it's insane, but I have war inside my mind... I'm a nasty human being inside but I can also be loving and caring, until I feel I can no longer pretend to care, because if this is about showing how tough love can be, I don't care anymore. My mind is just ruined, but I will not take any more lies or people making me feel miserable. They started this, indirectly... and the indirect lies are what hurt the most. They are poking me mentally and I cannot and will not stand it. Do you know how many times I've made up my mind? Do you know how many times I had to push myself to regain composure? I understand... trust me; the mind is a fucked up thing, so therefore you become more and more careless and start lying more too. I just hate this; I hate this because I can't even open a door without my mind fixating on the sounds and if someone thought for a second about that noise and tried to analyze if I was being rude or displaying my anger with sounds. Yeah, sounds have been one of the most uncomfortable things in my mind; when I feel like someone is making fun of me or making extra taps because they wanna indirectly tell me something or, you know, because they can't really tell it to my face about what's bothering them, they just make fun of me and poke me mentally making sounds in the environment. And with this, I am totally crazy! You know what? I don't give a fuck. It's their fault too. And I blame the world for making me such an insecure person... like, I wasn't even a good person to begin with, and on top of that, I was thrown shit on the head all my life. Now go wonder why people kill others with "no reason"... yeah, that reason was you.

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