What do I do How do I start?

This thought that comes and goes from time to time in my mind is that person. Who do I get fantasies about. Idk I feel like it’s lust. Is it only lust? But idk, because I dreamt of him again last night after a while that … well, lately because I want to wanna meet someone that I can be partnered with for the rest of my life so O will not be alone and have children with but also of course I’d prefer someone who I can be comfortable with and could teach me more about the Christian living way of life … idk where I’m going with this but yeah it feels… bizarre? Why it’s mostly him I picture when I’m feeling my ‘romantic’ side but yeah it feels idk…

No, I feel like someone I’m attracted to are guys that are hard to reach because they are prolly might be living their best lives atm and really having fun with their bachelor peaks… freak, idk that’s why I should just meet a mature guy who is also ready for a mature relationship… but the question is how really mature am I to get into a real deal relationship…? I feel like I’m seeing and realizing how people are ignoring me… They would answer back to me after a few while sometimes that meant I was not too worthy of a person to reply that fast to… freak I don’t want to have self-pity because this really is what makes one person fall behind the rest of the world.

Why can’t I just feel it today and express how I’m feeling? I feel people pick me as the last resort because I’m just full of arrogance and nothing more. I’m a person that is just existing and an ordinary one. However, don’t real ordinary people have ordinary lives? Or the normal lives like their own family? And on time? Why do I feel like I’m an extraordinarily peculiar person? Idk…

Then from watching Bridgerton season 3 with PoLin freakkkk! How I kind of relate to Penelope as being real one wallflower… right,

Seriously.. idk. I want to do something that will make me feel that energy force of excitement again in life. How do I start though?

Night* 🏙️

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