I don't want to be married anymore

I'm almost 20 years into a marriage. He's a great guy. We've built a life and raised a child into adulthood.

I don't want to be married anymore. We aren't compatible in the bedroom anymore and if you've seen White Lotus, it's become a bowl of worms.

I can financially support myself on my own, which is a huge deal. I would get a small 1 bedroom apartment with the dog and cat. I would be able to take care of my bills. I want to see others. I've had amazing opportunities to really immerse myself in people. I'm tired of not being able to cultivate friendships and relationships the way I want to. I want to set up the hammock and invite people to join me. I want to enrich someone's life. I want monogamy.

I'm missing out on getting to know people. I don't want a long term life with them but I want to ability to know them, guilt free. Sometimes I want to watch a movie. Sometimes I want to go to a concert. I just want the ability to date and go places. I want to go on vacation with someone. I want to take them out to dinner and buy it. I want to be inspired to color my hair.

I was out with a guy I met. While we were sitting there, the man sitting next to him noticed him and yelled, "Goddamn, you are one handsome son of a bitch!" and proceeded to lean over and tell me, "Is this your man? You are one lucky girl." Although he wasn't my man, yes, I was lucky. He looked like an Armani model and had the kindness and confidence to back it up. He said all the right things and I ate them up. He's much like Izz in the sense that he makes you feel like the most popular person in the world. He brought out the same light that she did in me. She was marvelous, confident, sexy, secure, and kind to everyone. She never met a stranger. She has her flaws (she's a little full of herself) but it works in her favor. He's the same way. He's got flaws--everyone has an ex--but I want to see them. I want to know what his bad habits are. Maybe he has a gambling addiction. Maybe he doesn't do laundry for weeks. Maybe he shit talks the homeless. I don't know, but whatever his weird issues are, I want to know the dark side of it.

I'm going to take him to Escobar's and pay for his drinks. He's classy. Beautiful. Handsome. I want to watch him flirt with the bartender as he runs his hand up my leg.

His profile says he's a Virgo but he's gotta be a Virgo-Leo cusp because Leos are so good at captivating attention from everyone while making sure you feel like the chosen one. I love that about them.

Anyway, fantasy asidr, this is something I've been struggling with. I just don't want to be married anymore. I hate the control. I hate the limits. I hate that we got married because I was pregnant. I don't think he wants it, either, but we've got too much invested.

I'm going to continue being a piece of shit for as long as I can before I get caught.

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