The mind is complicated

There's always a feeling in the air pushing me to make mistakes. It's like I fuck up everything I ever had. The max number of days I could get away with it was less than a week probably. All it takes is one lie to ruin my mindset and leave me heartbroken. It's like I can't trust anyone. No one lasts by my side. I expect way too much out of life. I expect perfection. But not really expect, I have low-key expectations and hopes that things will not disappoint me at least. I wanted to feel like there's at least something that will always serve my purpose and be there for me. But I will give this away too. You probably have no idea what I'm talking about. But please don't try to bring me down or water down my feelings. All I ever wrote here making a lot of sense now. All the times I felt heartbroken were people disappointing me. I am mad worried that I will lose that which I felt so passionate about. And why do I keep trying when I told myself so many times that I have seized my mindset? It's like everything around me keeps spinning and I'm low-key aware that something bad might happen to me. I can't live a life that's free of worries. But at the same time, I let it be in the hopes that things would make sense and stop haunting me forever after. You would think that at least there's peace of mind to be had if you live inside the comfort of your home 24/7, but still that doesn't happen. Something always worries me. I become afraid that I might never come back to feeling well like I did before. I'm way too clingy on the good feelings of the past. And I feel betrayed by people 'cause there's things I thought we had seized together, and yet sometimes I feel their lies from afar. Don't ask me why, I just know that people lie to me on a deeper level. The mind is complicated. I hate being aware, and always having the feeling that I'm way too close to the truth that I might explode if I don't keep my composure at ease. It's like it didn't even matter all the victories we achieved together. And you could ignore the fact that something got to you, but it'd still leave you heartbroken. It doesn't feel good to simply ignore. So it's either you maintain it at bay, like so many times you convinced yourself that you got over it, and maybe you did, but then it keeps happening. My mind gets so triggered. I would probably enjoy things more if I was less aware. Sometimes I even try to hide my awareness, and I'm not sure if that makes it more obvious or not. It doesn't only feel like being pushed, but people literally putting their hands on me and pushing me to make mistakes. And I give in to those things. It goes to my head. I could be strong and not let it get to me, but I'm not that strong. It always gets to me. And there's this feeling when I'm happy that I'm always going to lose it. Something pushing me away of the comfort zone. It's like a premonition, really. The feeling that something bad is gonna happen to you. And it could be seemingly peaceful, yet it's probably gonna happen sooner than later. One moment you are fine, the other something bothers you. It could be that inside I worry about something more catastrophic happening. What if inside I know that a meteorite is gonna strike earth, and even if it seems light years away from happening, it happens instantly and it wipes all of us and the earth away? Whatever. It seems like when I'm doing two things at the same time, at least one part of my brain is focusing its energy into something else and the other thing doesn't trigger me. But the moment I become aware, I just feel like it gets in my head and I'm susceptible to potential harm or mind triggers. But I tell you, it's when I become aware. Otherwise I low-key enjoy everything that's put in front of my face. Sometimes you just need a place to run away, because being stuck in one place for too long it's distressing. Running away means giving a breather to your mind. So if sometimes you move your head when you are standing still, like I know I do, it's because I feel the need to set my mind free or otherwise it feels like my surroundings start to control me. Anyhow. I'm still not content with this aspect of life where I just can't be at peace with having a mindset. Mindset? I set myself some place somewhere in time to be happy or secure ever after and yet I still struggle with the rest. The rest is probably more than me. I'm just a human. I'm an insecure human who cannot live at peace with nature behaving like a whore. I'm kinda pissed now. I just wanna be happy for once with something. Why can't I ever keep things going with me and other people? Why can't I be happy with my surroundings? I'll be damned either way. But well, I guess it does sporadically get better. Anyhow. Anywho. Whatever.

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