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November 5th, 10:05pm
Narcissist
[NAME REMOVED]
In Ally"s mind, she feels she loves me. She"s genuinely convinced herself she is in love with a stranger she met on the internet. She"s convinced herself that disregarding the fact she"s still a developing adult, who"s emotional comprehension skills are still overwhelmingly undeveloped, that she still loves me.
I suppose I manipulated her, but never with bad intentions. Going by the definition of manipulation, there is no "Good vs Bad" scenario, manipulation is manipulation.
I was fresh out of a 2-Year long relationship (through the most part of which I participated in as a young and immature teenager with a developing mind).
At least I disclaimed that before I spoke more deeply with her.
The worst part is even now, I still have a voice in my head saying "She should"ve known better"
Is that manipulative of me to think that way? Is that me trying to twist the problem so that i"m no longer the center of blame? I don"t know anymore. I don"t know which side of me is the manipulative self-endowed narcissist, and which part is the sad unspoken part of me trying to defend myself, from myself.
She want"s to meet me and bugs me about it quite often. When I read the messages she sends when talking about it it makes me sad, knowing I don"t feel anywhere near the same way.
She fills with excitement at the thought of meeting me for the first time.
While she"s busy deciding which clothes she's going to wear when we meet,
I"m busy deciding what excuse I can come up with as to why I can"t see her this weekend.
I"m socially deprived (though speculatively by my own fault), is it my fault I had a moment of weakness (and many after) where I said and did anything to keep her around?
I"ve had imaginary planned-out fights with her, in which I try and predict what she"d say and how I can counter it to make the argument go in my favour. She said she couldn"t bare the pain of being around someone she loved with them not feeling even the slightest in the same way about her. So yeah, of course I said what I had to say to keep her from leaving, I was desperate for companionship. At first I had to flirt with her, it"s the only way I knew how to get girls to stick around. Once I saw she developed heavy feelings I tried stopping, I tried telling her it wasn"t going to happen, but that"s when I got the ultimatum. Tell her how I truly felt (which is nothing) and watch her leave me to myself, or lie and get to keep around a good chat-buddy.
Not anyone can fill Ally"s shoes, which is one reason I feel somewhat poorly about doing the things I have. I"m picky, too picky when it comes to people and who i"m willing to actively communicate with. In 4 years she's the 3rd person I"ve actively kept up with, the other 2 currently are out of my life and have been for over a year. Ally at this point is literally all I had.
You can only imagine the lengths I"d go through to keep this person around when she is the 1st person and almost a year that I have felt any sort of connection with, wouldn"t you lie too?
Maybe you wouldn"t lie. Maybe you are a better person than I am. Maybe that's my manipulative habit telling me "other people would do the same, don"t feel badly".
I logged out of my messaging application in hopes I could just never log back in and that Ally would disappear just like the application, only to log back in 10 minutes later.
I realized she"d only find other means of communicating, she'd find my instagram, she"d get my number, even if I could block her on everything, she"d have a friends account find me, there is no escaping the decisions I made. I take that back, there is no means of escaping what i"ve done, that keep my morals intact. I could technically tell her to go "f" herself and leave me alone, sure, but that leaves room for me to be seen as I truly am, a narcissist who feels little to no emotion.
If I blocked her on everything and could somehow disappear off the internet, she"d be left thinking
"What the heck, what even happened?"as opposed to having my phone vibrate from her sending me an hour-long paragraph on why I"m a jackass.
The funny part, and most horrific (to readers) is that, the part i"m most dreading and concerned with, isn"t how she's going to feel, it"s how quickly i"ll be able to find someone else to replace her.
Haha, reading my sentences back I sound like a mental sociopath with no emotions, no really though, I have emotions. I play Call of Duty and clench my fist when I die 17 times from some camper, yes I cry at the thought my dog is getting old and may need to be put down soon, yes I feel happy around some people (mostly family), but no, I don't feel anything for [NAME REMOVED], I don"t feel anything for anybody who isn"t an immediate relative.
That"s what I don"t understand, is how I can demonstrate complete comprehension of human emotions, yet show such lack and inability to care about other people, even if i"ve known them since I was a kid.
I"ve been desensitized. How do you explain the process of desensitization to someone?
"-----deleted---- and a failed socially-gated relationship for 4 years of my life, this is what having no emotion is like" ??????
People just don"t have the mental capacity to process any way of life that differs from their own.
She won"t ever understand why I did what I did. She will never accept it, she"ll tell the story of how she met me to people she meets, and her story about me will involve how I manipulated her.
Her life story is permanently changed with me having entered it.
To live with it, I tell myself "she won"t even remember your name in 10 years when she"s in her late twenties".
I will walk away from this completely untouched. Unchanged.
She just wasn"t enough to change me.
Why can"t anyone change me.
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