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I never know how to properly start a written piece when regarding such personal inner thoughts. Should I jump right in and begin saying my deepest thoughts or desires? Or do I begin with a story and work my way down?
Why down? Because for the past year and a half, my emotional state has been in a downward plummet. I've always struggled with depression and anxiety. My inner perfectionist berating me for my every move, scolding me for doing something wrong. If I spoke wrong, the voices wouldn't let it go. If my actions were not up to the expectations set, then forever more I'm haunted by the failure. Moving back home, to me, was a failure. My parents, though I love them, hurt me emotionally. Manipulating my actions, causing me to be the villain if I ever step out of line.
I want to kill myself. But I can't just end my life. Throughout my day I contemplate the most effective and efficient way to die. I can't do it. I have to make sure that when I die, it'll be in a way where my toxic family won't have to deal with my affairs. I break down into tears, I have anxiety attacks, I hate myself.
I wish, just for once, I won't feel alone. Empty. Wallowing in self pity and despair.
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