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Let's say this is a alternate universe where I'm completely honest. To myself, to the people around me, to the world. I have issues. It might seem trivial and I know others have more serious issues. Nonetheless? They worry me.
First things first. I don't like who I am now. I can see it. The difference. I can't pin point the exact moment I changed but I know I have. I used to see the good in people. No politics, no double meaning, no ulterior motive. Well that certainly changed! Not because of an event.. Time changed me. Like milk left out of the fridge. Now I read too much into things people say or do and I question their genuineness. I want to go back to who I was but I can't.
However, past me was not perfect. I was a flirt. Not the bold kind. The shy and quiet kind. I only realised this not long ago. Looking back, I think I might have hurt some people. Not intentionally but ignorance is not an excuse. I think I lead a few people on. I can't say how sorry I am.
I run away from situations I can't handle. Had an ex, our parting was amicable but I never bothered to keep a friendship going. It's like I craved out that part of my life completely. As I said before, I reckon I lead a few people on. And I have cut ties with all of them. Out of embarassment? Probably. I have the coping skills of a child.
KARMA. I never knew what it was like to experience heartache for someone. Till one day in October 2016. I realised I liked my friend. My best friend at the time. Worst thing ever. 'Cause what do I do but run. Couldn't run far since we worked together but I pushed him away. Tried to cut him out, tried to fix myself. It was like going to rehab. Or at least that's what I think rehab feels like.
Why did I want to run? Why not test it out? Well, I had a bf at that time. He's the sweetest, most caring person I know but I hurt him too. He asked me one day what was wrong.. whether I liked someone else and to trust that he can handle my answer. I told him I liked/loved two people and he broke down. I'm such an idiot! Some things are meant to be left unsaid.
Anyway, I've grown apart from my former work bestie. It's probably for the best but it still hurts sometimes. It definitely impacted me emotionally. I'm more distant with everyone and sometimes I just feel sad. He doesn't know any of this. I'll keep it this way. In a parallel universe, maybe I would have told him and I might feel more at ease. But we only get one life and I don't want to make things complicated. Oh, he has a gf now. And I know he's happy.
It's been a year and a half. I'll let the past stay in the past. My partner is still amazing as always and I never stopped loving him. My heart might have been split in two for a while but I know it'll be whole again - give or take a few scars.
My focus now is to be a better person, no matter which universe I'm in.
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That's a good place to focus.
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