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After 20 years of fighting depression and anything else added on, I just realized that I shall NEVER EVER get better. I have tried every medication, I seem to be medication proof. I have been in therapy, yes, it has kept me alive but what does alive really mean when most days you have this aching torturing pain in your gut you want to rip out. Life feels more like torture than a blessing.
I have tried the “ think positive”, I have tried not thinking of myself but helping others, I have tried many things; I AM tired! I want euthanasia! Why is that allowed for our beloved pets who are suffering and not us? 20 YEARS!!!! How much more convincing do you need that even if you see a smile on my face, I am in pain?
Started drinking; cannot get drunk, I think it has to do with my metabolism, but I still try!
I am tired and I just want to rest already. I am getting really angry with every day I am on this earth; not unlogical angry, but anger that has had sometime to build.
I am at peace that not everyone can be fixed. I have been through too much seen too much so PLEASE doctors, euthanize me already instead of having me trying to look for solutions to do the same thing you won’t do!
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If you believe you will never get better and tell yourself you will never get better, that will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. And regardless if you can or cannot get drunk, alcohol is a CNS depressant, which is only going to make your depression worse. No, not everyone can "be fixed." Sometimes it's about making choices that promote healing, or looking inside for answers instead of out, or choosing happiness because happiness is a choice. And definitely there is no easy answer, and you've clearly been through a lot, but maybe it's time to make some different choices if you want things to be different.
ReplyI have chosen to be happy, it did not work. You know when you are born with a certain script in your head on how you are supposed to be, it is soooo hard to be anything else because everything else seems like failure. By the way, I would not judge others that way, I only judge myself that way.
ReplyNo one's born with a script in their head. That's the thing. You get to choose the script. Of course, we don't get to choose the outside events and a lot of them suck, but we do get to choose our own personal scripts.
ReplyHmmm...you were not born I am sure in a place where you had no option but to follow one script to literally stay alive. It is hard to get out of it even if you find freedom. I appreciate your input and I keep trying everyday, not negative everyday but each time the pain comes back, I realized how tired I am of trying. I do not thing this subject is discussed enough when someone has TRULY faught for YEARS then what?!? Maybe the circumstances I was born in is the issue however much I think I have defeated them. Honestly though, if you are an alien stranded on earth, how in the word does one go “ back home” if you do not know any Astronauts or anyway to send a message that you are stranded on a foreign planet? That is just an example, not to be taken literally.
ReplyEvery single choice you make is exactly that, a choice. Me? I've been on my own in a highly neglectful household since I was born, a horribly abusive household since I was 6, an d on my own on the streets since I was 14. Yeah, I had to work my ass off in so damn many ways just to stay alive. Guess what? you still get to choose your own personal narrative. You're still responsible for your own life. Was I ever tired of trying? Yeah. But if you think I didn't fight for years - for my safety, my survival, my health, my soul - then you're wrong. Assumptions - LOL - they are rarely ever right.
ReplyI'm not the author and I'm sorry for what you've been through but I love what you wrote and I agree that assumptions are stupid. <3
Reply... and mind you this is TWENTY YEARS... not two years or two weeks, I have tried, so why can I not be let out of this pain like pets do?
ReplyListen, this thing in you is in me and so many other people. Some of us spend our lives fighting it. Why? Because it will never leave. It's like a parasite that's feeding on your life force so it makes it hard for you to accept things that will ease the pain.
I know what you're thinking, "So, I'm this thing's bitch?", right? Well, no. In fact, it's the opposite. This parasite needs you alive so it can live off your pain. Technically, it's your bitch.
My metabolism is a beast too. I can't O.D. or get sick through food. I don't drink though.
Easing the pain is almost impossible for me too.
So, consider what I have told you. This thing ain't going away. But you can weaken its hold on your heart and mind.
Reply"I shall never get better" Ok. how's that working for ya? not too good, it seems. Negative thinking will always bring you down. Do you have a choice to let pain win? Sure you do. You have that right. You have the right to just roll over and give up. Sure, why not? Not that it's ever gotten you anything good, but you do have that right.
ReplyTell me HOW to stop hurting, I am game to try... show me the MAP!!!!
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