NOTES OF THE DEPRESSED BOY

Let me begin by saying that this is not some cure to depression. This won’t fix anything, it won’t make you happy instantaneously, it might not even evoke any thoughts within except for frustration of having read what I have to say. What this will do is make depression and feelings of anxiety slightly more bearable and it might even help you see if the person next to you is in pain or not. I should also preface this my saying that depression and anxiety are both unbearable. They are the worst feelings one can have, not that that needed to be stated, but hey, I’m stating it. What comes ahead are the notes I have taken while observing myself deal with depression, anxiety, a feeling that feels like perpetual loneliness and frequent urges to commit suicide. What comes ahead is dark and possibly painful, though I like to think of myself as funny when in company so you might chuckle now and then.

I’m still depressed so let me say this once again; this won’t fix you. If you’re in pain, seek help. Don’t be like me and spend nearly 20 years of life thinking it’s a phase or even try to ‘man’ your way out of this. I’m simply stating what I’ve learned from being depressed and this might the average, non-depressed person stay non-depressed. It might even help a depressed person make their predicament not so painful. And so, I list my notes.

1. Do your best to find out what saddens or depresses you. Sometimes, I find myself being depressed and sad for no reason. There’s nothing affecting me but I’m still down. Depression can’t be explained in regards to that. However, depression can be caused by some specific things in your life. It might take some time, introspection and real deep digging into your past, but if you can find the reason(s), you can try to fix this and get some closure.

2. Get some closure and peace. If you do manage to find the reason(s) that make you feel the way you do or contribute to your sadness, fix them. Do you damn best to resolve the issue, be it bad blood with a family member, friend or boss. If financial woes make you feel this way, start finding ways to cut costs without lowering or losing your dignity. Search for other sources of income. These two continue to affect me but I have found ways to make them affect me less than before. Take the initiative to fix your problem. They won’t fix themselves. The only way to get peace and closure is to deal with your issues yourself. The satisfaction of even having tried hard is unreal. Trust me.

3. Cant fix the issue? Severe the painful reason. So the situation is beyond salvaging huh? Cut it out. If it’s something that you can live without but just want, take it out of your life. The pain isn’t worth it.

4. Get out more. This is easier said than done. You get anxious in public, you feel even more lonely or people appear to have some innate need to harm you. I’ve felt this way. Shoot, I still do sometimes. However, the only to get past this is to get out more and meet people in small doses. You don’t need to chug beers at your nearest frat party or attempt to pick up women. Just find something that gives you joy or keeps you occupied and happens in a more social setting. You’ll see an improvement, but do not do something that makes you feel like you’re betraying your values and your true self. This is not about overhauling your persona, this is about taking your mind off depression.

5. Clean your room and your workplace. I’m a college student living in a studio apartment. My room is filthy, like most bachelors in college. Nothing unusual here, but if there is one I’ve learned it’s that a clean room and workspace can help you think better and feel better. When my room is filthy, my mind is automatically filled that thoughts like "my room resembles my life, its filthy and the only way to fix the issue is to leave this room and life i.e. kill myself." Clean your room and your state of mind changes dramatically. You’ll also feel your self worth rise, at least I did.

6. Find distractions. Depression is not a state of mind. Repeat after me; DEPRESSION IS NOT A STATE OF MIND. People who say that are weird and you should block out anything else they say. Nonetheless, I find that depression and feelings associated with that intensify when I’m not occupied with a task. Simply finding small things to do that require fine motor skills and cognition can help you focus more on the task instead of the thoughts that would drive you insane. The thoughts never disappeared for me, but they did quieten down. Heck, I was depressed enough to seriously contemplate suicide until I forced myself to articulate my thoughts and write this down. The distractions don’t need to be costly. It can be something as simple as cooking food, reading a book, working out or even cleaning your room (hinting at the 5th point).

7. Workout. Just get moving. Lift some weights, run a mile, hit a spin class or a punching bag. Do some push ups to music from Rocky. JUST MOVE. Depression often gets the better of people and causes them to eat more and just want to stay at home. Don’t let it get the better of you. Not only does working out serve as a distraction, it helps you fight depression by literally giving you strength and endurance. As you watch your body and health transform, you have a newfound feeling of self respect and love for yourself. I lift heavy weights 4 days a week and watch my diet or try to at least 4 days a week and this has made me overcome the feelings of hatred I had for myself. Feelings being depressed and anxious gave me. As I saw myself get bigger and stronger, I began to show more care for myself and not have a strong sense of animosity towards my mind and body. Being a male this may sound weird, but YOU NEED TO LOVE YOURSELF. TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY AND YOUR MIND WILL THANK YOU.

8. Throw out the false and temporary comfort. I’m referring to drugs and alcohol. Just take them out. It might feel like they’re taking the pain away but it’s only hurting you more. From a biological standpoint, addiction and withdrawal is what I’m referring to. More importantly, by doing drugs and drinking your liver into oblivion, you’re letting the depression win. Don’t let it reduce you a body that needs something foreign substance to simply get through the day. I was heavy smoker till I realised that it served me no purpose other than to fool myself into thinking that the cigarettes were helping my anxiety. Almost 3 years smoke free and looking to another 30. Just stop. YOU’RE DAMN BETTER THAN THIS.

9. Treat your body with care and as if it was a temple. So you’re probably wondering, “This kid’s about to make his third body and fitness related point. We get it, you like being healthy. Stop! And quite typing in full caps!” You’re right in thinking so if you are (except for the full caps part). Depression is related to hormones. This is science. Take care your body. Eat right, sleep well, get some fitness in. I’ve stated the psychological benefits of doing so but biologically, your hormone levels are likely to be affected by this and most probably for the better. Treat yourself right. Nobody puts the “Body” in the corner (See what I did there? Told you I’m funny).

10. Find yourself some hobbies. This goes hand in hand with points 4 and 6. Sure, distractions can serve as hobbies. They do for me but find a hobby that needs you to go outside. This is pretty much me repeating what I said earlier about distracting yourself in public but I’m trying to put a bigger emphasis on this. Go bike riding, try photography, go for a walk, bird watching, the choices are endless. The more you engage in a hobby that public the better you feel. The thoughts of depression tend to become quieter and finding a way to express yourself can help you silence depression and the thoughts that nag you.

11. Stand up for yourself. So I mentioned that this wasn’t about overhauling your persona right? Well, you might have to make a few changes to yourself, but for the better, I promise. As a child and well into my teens, I was a very agreeable person. The kind of person who was always down for anything. Might sound nice but like with more stories, there’s a dark side. During this time, I found myself too afraid to say no. No to taking more work than needed. No to be walked on. I couldn’t say no and when I needed to say yes to things like “Do you have a problem?”, I was dead silent. Soon I realised that this was because I was too depressed to fight for myself and felt so lowly about myself that I deserved to take the abuse. Do not make this mistake. Like I said, you need to love yourself and with that you need to have some self respect. NO ONE WILL RESPECT YOU TILL YOU RESPECT YOURSELF. Do something because you want to and need to, not because you’re too scared to say no. If you’re asked if you have a problem, say “Yes, I do” and state your issue. The more you respect yourself, the less depressed and anxious you will feel.

12. Seek help when you need it. As I stated, I waited almost 20 years till I sought out help. Don’t do this. If you feel you need, you definitely need it. Probably needed help earlier. Help can come in many forms; friends, councillors and helplines. Use these to help yourself out. Your pride is not worth the pain and the you’re not going burden anyone with what you consider boring issues. Your friends and family care, they really do and you do matter to them no matter what you think. You matter much more than can measured if anything. SEEK HELP.

13. Finally, know this; depression is not easy to spot. Some people, myself included, are good at hiding it. Putting on a smile for the rest of world and acting like nothing bothers me is like second nature to me at this juncture of my life. If someone mentions or even hints at them having feelings of depression, comfort them and talk to them. I wish someone did when I was at my lowest. If someone begins talking about being sad, depressed or even committing suicide, talk to them. They need someone to help them. They’re probably being forced to end their life thinking that the world will be better without them. Help them think it won’t. Some people just need to realise their own worth and how much they matter to other people in their lives. I wish someone was there to talk me out of it or just talk to me when I made two attempts on my own life and failed. Fortunately, my councillor made realise that this was not the way for me. Society needs to stop shaming people for feeling depressed and suicidal. We need to open our arms to people who feel this way and make them realise that they are worth so much more. Every change begins with one person.