In between the future and death

I've never really had a sure-fire future plan and now more than ever I'm feeling the repercussions of being an "indecisive child." I don't want to go to college like one side of my family wants me to and every time I try to tell them what I want, it's like I'm talking to a brick wall. They don't want to hear me for whatever reason. Now, I don't HAVE to go but I still feel like absolute s*** when people believe in me and in return I don't do exactly what they want/ need of me. I quit my last job a few months ago because of unbearably lazy and piss-poor people but I don't know where to go from here. I mean, I have ideas of course but the more I think of how much time has passed since I left high school, the more depressed I get. My friends have all gone cliche and 'moved on with their lives.' Recently I tried reconnecting with my best bud on Facebook and never even got a response. I've always been a quiet person but we had a bond. Anyways, I keep overthinking things and constantly wonder, if I wasn't so stupid and changed the way I lived, maybe then things would be different. Nothing is changing. I'm alone and being pulled in a million directions and every new day that passes is drilling a wider hole in my heart. I haven't even been in a relationship since my senior year because of my overarching fear of rejection. Now, I love my family and all but staying here with all these memories and doubts WILL be the death of me. I'm not necessarily suicidal but I've certainly had an increase in suicidal thoughts recently. I just feel like my life has finite endings and nothing I do will make any difference. I don't want to get into every detail but I made the dumb choice of being a loner pretty early on and messed up a lot of relationships and potential outcomes by simply doing what made me happy. I don't know why I am this way but I am a loner. Not just introverted, but more: being alone is what I prefer in literally every scenario. I'd love to work alone, anywhere, doing anything, just alone; really, I'm okay with any job/ career as long as I can listen to music so I can somewhat drown out the world except for me and my music but most jobs involve a lot of constant people interaction and attention. I want to find love and my soulmate, but with the way I am, I just don't see it happening. EVER. And these constant thoughts are making me very depressed. I guess my conflict is choosing between being happy and continuing to lie to myself. Granted, I don't HATE people but I'd be happier and very much prefer to work alone and eventually live in a quiet, remote town. Right now, I want so bad to just move away from the things that are killing me but I feel so trapped. I hate where I am and just want to start fresh. It probably sounds immature to run away from your problems but it is proving to be more hassle to stay here than any paycheck or degree is worth. I know people expect so much out of me but I wish they'd stop. I don't enjoy being without love and I don't want to be miserable in a career that isn't for me. I just want to enjoy life and experience all I can while I'm on this planet and even then I still have reminders of all the failures and missed opportunities but at least I'd be going my own way. I hate it because I also can't talk to anyone real either. My friends now are either too dense or seriously lack any empathy to hear me out and my family is either distant/ ignorant or too close to my heart for me to burden (and what I mean is that they have a history of mental health issues like me and I KNOW that the last thing they need is to hear my crap when they have A LOT going on as well). BTW, I'd happily take up therapy but I'm not exactly exploding with money, so anonymous posts is second best, I guess.