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Prologue: I'm polyamorous, just in case you get confused by the references to multiple partners. Also, I'm quite aware that a good chunk of this is just the immediateness of the disappointment creeping in (coupled with some on-again/off-again depression). Still, it was good to type this out. It's only lightly edited from my stream-of-conscious rambling.
I'm beginning to dread the "I'd like to remain friends" line. I just got it from "A". I'd asked her a couple days prior if she wanted to go to a party the following week, and at the time she'd said she would get back to me about it. This morning: "I am realizing that I really enjoy being your friend but I am no longer wanting our relationship to be sexual. I don't feel that chemistry anymore."
All these now-"just friend" ex-girlfriends... I am grateful that I still have these people in my life (a couple of them I consider to be among my best friends), and... I know there's nothing "wrong" with being friends. I want those, too. I just... also want more.
I WANT sexual relationships. I want to fuck. I want to kiss. I want to hold hands. I want to explore things sexually and emotionally. I want full, comprehensive relationships. I want to feel sexually desirable. I want to be wanted.
I feel guilty even thinking like this. I've still got my wife, and I know she loves me; that's not a sexual relationship (it's like "platonic plus"; when I was realizing that I was more poly than mono, she was realizing that she was more gay and asexual). I've got "L", too, and I love that relationship. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to lose something else, though. So I also feel ungrateful, which is a terrible way to feel.
It makes me feel like I'm only desirable when I'm not known. As soon as they get to know me, I'm "only a friend". I'm not someone anyone wants a physically intimate relationship with. I'm not attractive. I'm not sexual. I'm just a lump. Maybe I'm lovable in a platonic, but that's the best I can expect long-term? Sure, I'm supposedly "amazing" or "great" or "a good guy" (so they all seem to say when delivering that news)... just not good enough, apparently. Am I just for rebounding, and then as soon as they figure out that I'm not sexually adequate I get the boot?
Fuck. I want to cry.
They don't owe me anything. I'm not entitled to sex or to sexual relationships or to otherwise-intimate relationships with particular people. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
What am I doing? What can I do? Why does it hurt? Do I come across as desperate? Am I not properly communicating what I want? Am I just disposable?
Don't get me wrong: I WANT to be a friend. I WANT to be a good friend, and I'd like to think I'm not terrible at it. I just also want to be a lover. I want that kind of intimacy. Why does it feel like more often than not I am rejected for that role? They always seem to say that I've done nothing wrong and that I'm some variation of "sweet" or "amazing". Some of them have done better jobs of attempting to remain in touch than others (likewise, I've tried to do the same, with varying amounts of success). So... if I've done nothing wrong, and that it's "them" and not "me"... well, if the only common denominator is me, then at some level I feel like there's no other explanation than that it's me.
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