airport

They hugged and he kissed her on the forehead. And he probably said "I love you", she wasn't sure and she'll never have the opportunity to ask, she was so overwhelmed with everything that is going on around her but at the same time she was as calm as ever. She couldn't understand what was going on yet. She wouldn't cry, but everyone did and so did he. Little did she know she would remember him crying and that last hug forever, that it would be one of the memories that would uncontrollably pop up, slowly breaking her heart over and over again. She couldn't stand watching him cry, or knowing that he's hurt; at one point she understood that she would do almost anything to make him happy and that scared her right away. She was scared of love, affection. She thought it would make her do uncontrolable crazy things,like she wasn't crazy already anyway. She was so busy with not falling in love with anyone else that she convinced herself that the mission was successful. Only when she left him she understood how bad it is. She was scared, confused, lost. She couldn't imagine her life without him, while he was slowly moving on, but still claimed to love her, but she knew it was only a brother-sister love and she wished so hard  she would love him as brother too. She regreted loving him so much, she literally couldn't stand it. It got her bad. She still doesn't want to believe it was real love, but that what all her friends claim it was, she still wants to believe that she's just got attached too much. And that's it. Nothing more. But she still can feel his hug and it still hurts.

She turned walked a couple of steps and run right back. The first time she realized that it was over. She hugged them all again and turned around telling herself that was the last time and she should just walk straight. An automatic fake smile on her face while inside her heart is shattering. It will never be the same she thinks. And she's right. Unfortunately.  She walked a couple of steps , turned around, waved and kept walking. She was happy to go home, but what's home without him. She was lacking him. Oh she was lacking him so much. And she hated him. It felt like she depends on him, like he's her addiction or obsession,like he's a drug, that she needs to have. She felt like talking to him affected her moods, days and decisions. Everything around her reminded her of him. Everything she wanted to show him and everywhere she saw him. Here she sees him at the train with her. Here he tries national food, here he does her make-up and hugs her, sits next to her, laughs, smiles and sings. She was going crazy and she didn't mind. She kinda of liked these sad depressing parts of her life that at least partially allowed him to be in her life. Now whenever she feels like it's coming she turns off the song,walks away or starts doing something else, only on the trains when she's alone, she lets it consume her again. Just like right now