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It's past 2AM. I have work in 7 hours. I was tired until I got in bed, closed my eyes and let my brain overthink. My stomach is turning, my heart is pounding and there's a lump in my throat.
It's the first time I've cried while trying to sleep in a long time, maybe a couple of months. On the positive side of things, it's a pretty good sign. Sadly (and I'm sorry for that), this isn't one of those positive advice articles.
As my mind was channelling different thoughts about some guy, I suddenly started thinking about my toxic relationship. Then, random flashes of guys making fun of me, snickering as I passed by, taking advantage of me, and worse. Those laughs humiliating me. I was a victim of the "reject" label for 5 excruciating years. I was the girl guys would dare their friends to compliment or to ask me out on a date, just to right after humiliate me by yelling "Haha! She actually said yes!" and getting a bunch of high fives from everyone in the hallway. I was the girl guys would catcall and whistle at because they knew I wasn't pretty, just to have everyone else react negatively. "What was THAT supposed to mean? Her? Really? She wishes she was worth the attention!" I was the girl guys would make suggestive gestures towards me in class, just to see whether or not that day I would cry. I was the girl whose boyfriend cheated on her whenever given the opportunity because she wouldn't sleep with him. Today, I'm the girl guys flirt with "just because they're bored".
Those flashbacks made me realise something: they never respected me.
The lump from my throat eventually exited through tears, but it came back as the thoughts wouldn't leave my mind. So, I wrote everything. The lump is gone.
I'm sorry for the downer, guys. Thanks for reading though. If you've stuck around until now, I really appreciate it.
I'll try to go to sleep now.
Good night.
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I hope you feel better after some sleep x
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