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I got into a fight with someone online because they had posted a photo of their bleeding self-inflicted injuries online, the caption being "who wants this???? :D." I was horrified. I politely told them that it's not okay to post something like that on a public site when your account is decently large with no warning because it could influence and trigger people to make bad choices. They argued with me. Their argument was that it's posted about all the time. They then sent me photos of many, many, many posts of horrible self inflicted injuries. I was horrified. Not because I haven't seen it before. No. This is nothing new to me. I'm a recovered/recovering self harm addict. I've dealt with self harm on and off for almost two years. This isn't very long, but it got really, really bad. There was two suicide attempts, and self harm was a multi-daily occurrence. Alongside that was a borderline eating disorder, horrid anxiety attacks, negative and intrusive thoughts, on and off depression, and just overall unhappiness. Those years were probably the worst years of my life, and I would rather die than go back to that time in my life. It was truly horrible.
I wasn't upset and crying over them sending me these photos because they tempted me to relapse. They didn't, thankfully. I'd like to think that I'm past that now. I was upset as I was because it reminded me of the way that I felt during that time, and why I made the choices I did. I could vividly remember sitting in my bathroom at one in the morning, blade to knuckle, arm, ankle. I could vividly remember sitting in the school bathroom during lunch crying in silence on the floor, punching the wall and seeing my blood lightly stain the wall. I could remember the feeling of the blade on my knuckle. The pain. The feeling of blood down my hand. The ecstasy I felt afterwards. The hopelessness I felt after ticking off one more day as "Not clean." All of the memories flooded back to me and I was left overwhelmed with emotion. I never want to feel that way again.
Never.
Never again.
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