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I still feel depressed and suicidal. I'm hoping my mom won't care if I sleep on the couch. I have a blade thingy in my room and I'm always tempted to cut. I hope my mom and dad don't find out I'm bi. One day at the fun dome my dad dropped off my friend and she was wearing her gay pride flag. While riding in the car he asked "You and her are joking around about being gay and stuff right?" In the most hateful voice I have heard in a long time. I said "I know I am. I don't know about her." A lie. The way he said it is what told me I couldn't tell him. Then he started saying things about how they're disgusting or wrong for loving the same gender. I don't cry often, but I was almost to tears. I don't know why I'm so scared to tell him and my mom. My sister has come out and they're fine with it. But I just feel as if I'm different. My sister is the golden child. Yes my sister and parents get into fights and stuff, but she always makes them proud. I never do. I want to take some cooking lessons or drum lessons, but I have to play the cello. My mom says that I chose it, which I did, and that I've been choosing to all my life, that's the lie. She's forcing me to do something that I absolutely hate, and my family doesn't care. Of course they come to performances and stuff and say stuff like "you did great!" All I want to say is "I got lost in every fucking song and I don't even get most of that shit.". Of course if I said that I would probably get disowned. Because over all of this, my fucking family is fucking Christian. Three words? God. Is. Fake. They always say "Oh, we have a book called the Bible. So that's how we know it's true". Ya, well I got some news for you. There are books called Harry Potter. So that must be true. We have books called Peppa Pig. So that must be true to. Oh, and let's not forget Social study books, that speak of many gods. So I guess there IS more than one god! Instead of believing in something, I believe in nothing. And if my mom finds out, guess it's time for me to go to hell. Or heaven. Or maybe to a world of gummy bears and cotton candy. I'm hungry. I didn't get dinner last night and we rarely get breakfast. And we had to wake up around six ๐ซ. I got away with sleeping on the couch. I'm actually excited for church today. We sort of collided with another church and the other church has dances for the songs and teens run the music instead of boring adults. One of them has a crush on Jered๐. It's funny watching her flirt with him. I still don't want to be in this world. Every night I think about killing myself. No one would miss me. Especially my sister Amber. She literally says to me "I hate you" at least two times a week. My mom wouldn't miss me. She always hates it when I want to do something like go into the woods or even hang out outside. My dad wouldn't miss me either. He thinks loving is buying me stuff. He buys me stuff and then goes to work. We never really go anywhere unless we're getting dropped off with friends. My friend Riley Dodd wouldn't miss me. We're exactly alike but we act like we hate each other. To be honest, he's probably one of my closest friends. But he doesn't really care about me. The only people I can think of that would miss me are some of my friends at school, my half brother, and my half sister. But they get over things like that fast. I would probably get forgotten. All I am is a waste of space. If I wasn't here no one would care. They would go on with there lives. And of course to most people, I'm just a fat little brat that acts like she's a someone when she's no one. And of course when anyone asks me if I'm alrighty or whatever I say I'm fine. Feeling I'm nothing to everyone. Of course they wouldn't understand. I can't tell my mom I'm suicidal because she'll think I'm just trying to get attention. And the only person I talk to about being suicidal is my friend at school. Kristen Ellis. She's the first one I told. I'm pretty sure she's one of the only people that would miss me. What do I do?
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You feel so crappy inside because you're not being authentic. And you're trying to fill the emptiness you feel and ease the pain with food, which will never work. The next time your dad says "so it's a joke, right?" you say "why would that be a joke?"
ReplyTake a breath. Just breathe. Family life and dynamics can be really hard to wrap your head around. Your parents love you, even just a smidge, despite how they act. Your mother birthed you from her vagina for crying out loud!
I understand where you are coming from. I grew up in a very religious, homophobic, and transphobic family with super high expectations that I would never meet. I was suicidal and attempted suicide twice. The road to recovery was not easy or fun. My parents disowned me when I came out as trans and I was on the streets for a year. Life is rough.
Please don't think that you are a waste of space. You aren't. Don't say you wouldn't be remembered, because I would, somewhere (probably on the other side of the world) mourn your death, remembering that even though I never knew you, the special light that had gone from this world. I love you and want you to get better <3
Note: This was all over the place, so if you still want to chat, we can. Also, I just want to take a minute and listen to "You Will Be Found."
ReplyThat song is absolutely amazing. My life slightly changed. Ive sent it to some of my friends to-Love, Ted
Reply*Red
ReplyNo offense, your sister, she's a bitch. Your mom, she's an asshole. And your dad...just google the word narcissist...It should say they give you presents so you love them. Your friend that doesn't care about you. He's not your friend. People would miss you. They don't show it when your here but if you could see their reaction if you did it...I'd say your bitchy sister would cry for months. Your asshole of a mom would visit your grave every month with your favourite flowers. Your narcissistic dad would silently mourn you and attempt to hide his feelings. You are who you are. Tell them. Tell them who you are. If they ask you if your joking say NO! If they disown you, good, they didn't deserve you anyway. This Kristen Ellis, stick with her. You are important.
ReplyI'm so sorry that you're feeling so sad and upset. :( Please consider calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline- 1-800-273-8255. I called them this morning when I was feeling super depressed, overwhelmed and suicidal and they calmed me down, listened, and cared for me nonjudgementally. I'm very grateful that I called them. Please consider it, if you are feeling that way.
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