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And am I satisfied?
No, I'm not. I deeply regret it, and I hate myself for doing so.
The next question should be "WHY have I faked it until now?". The answer is quite simple: I never really cared. All I really cared about was to just get a random college degree with average grades, hoping I'd be happy with that. Basically, I never thought of reaching my potential. I just went with what I thought was an easy way out to have a simple life.
But guess what. I'm killing myself every single day by doing so. I'm graduating in a month and I've never felt more anxious in my entire life. Am I really good at what I'm doing? Do I even like what I'm doing? My grades are always around C's, and my motivation level is meh. I can't believe this is happening to me. I'm actually having second thoughts about my program on my last semester, only a month away from finishing it! What is wrong with me?
Oh, I know what's wrong with me. I actually thought I could bullsh*t my way through life. I thought I could get a nice, simple life with the least effort put into as possible. And what do I do when I put very little effort into something? I lie. I embelish my mediocre last-minute work. I bullsh*t.
Why can't I be honest in what I do? My program always reminds us that honesty and authenticity are vital, not only towards clients and coworkers, but towards ourselves. I don't know why most people like me are like that, but I theorize that I might be like that because I never truly believed in myself to begin with. I always put a lot of effort in my work up until high school, but it stopped after I started my first semester of college. Being surrounded by people who are equally as talented as me made it very hard for me to stand out from others. So, I asked myself "What's the point of trying to be the best if you KNOW there's someone out there already so much better than you?". My anxiety never helped me either. It just kept me from pushing myself, trying new things and reach my full potential.
Some might argue and say that we don't need to reach our full potential to be happy, and you're right, maybe some of us don't. However, I've been faking it since 2014 and I can't tell you how miserable it feels as I'm typing this right now, pouring out the truth of my sad, stupid, lazy life. I've lived in a fantasy world I created myself, thinking I AM that qualified, confident smart*ss. I finally woke up tonight from that dream by reading my internship supervisor's comments on my latest assignment. And holy sh*t, I really suck at this. I am the most awkward, cynical human being in a world of optimism and socialization. And I don't think I can change myself in order to do my best at this job. I WANT to be a more easy-to-talk-to and less sarcastic gal, but maybe that's a trait of my personnality I cannot change.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't fake it if you can't handle it. How can I live in my truth? I don't know, but I'd LOVE to know so I could end this cycle of denial.
If any of you live the same mental crisis as I do or have any tips on how to get out of it, do share your thoughts on the comment section. I'd love to discuss this with people who understand what I'm going through.
Thank you for reading and have a good night.
NOTE: It could be that I only hate school and assignments, because I do like working at my internship. It's possible that my ranting was useless, but hey, I had to let it out through writing instead of crying my eyes out.
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