Can You Hear Me?

I love you

Your beautiful

All words that ive heard from the wrong people

I don’t want you to feel sorry for me

I am perfectly normal

I have a mom

I have a dad

I have a large family

And I am human

But there is one flaw…

I never could find where we all connect

My mom told me I love you a few times I could remember growing up wwhen I got the chance to see her

My dad cant even remember the first words I love you coming from him as if it was only in my head

My grandparents told me all what a little girl needed to hear growing up but its not the same if not coming from your parents

I was a normal little girl

I believed in fairy tales, happily ever afters, and dreamed that one day I would find a prince

I came home from school wanting to tell my dad of all the new and exciting things I learned

I wanted to cry to him whenever I had my first heart break but he was no where to be found

I resulted to my mother who gave me the answer that I believe scared me….true love isn’t real, that fairy tale life isn’t real, the real world if painful and a game that you have to play.

From that day forward I knew I was just a pawn in a game of life and that I needed to settle for reality.

I sat back and watched life, didn’t engage, sat on the outside

Around the 6th grade I felt left out…I met some girls who I knew down inside felt what I was feeling but was doing something about it…

Everyday I watched her hurt, she started to cut herself and I watched curious as to how does that heal the pain….her only answer was it was just to numb it

So as any child looking for answers no where to turn I followed her… she was someone I looked up to…

I cried the first time as I say the blood on my arms but I felt no different…I thought maybe I was doing something wrong…

I remember sitting in the bathroom having a mental breakdown because all I wanted to do was fit in…I sneaked into the kitchen and got a drink.

It was the worst taste I ever tasted but I needed to not be in my right mind for what I was trying to accomplish. I went into the bathroom once more and took a knife and started to cut myself…

School started and I remember being called into the counselors office and they told my mom what ive done

She cried and held me…told me she loved me and sent me to get “help”

The first couple nights I hated my mom

I thought if she really loved me why would she send me away

I felt like she wanted someone else to deal with the problems I was dealing with

Doctors told me that I was depressed

I didn’t feel depressed

I felt trapped and no one was listening

Can You Hear Me?

It didn’t take long for me to work the system to get released

I promised to never cut again and to write out my feelings

That worked for only a short period of time

Rolling around was high school

It was different now

I was in an all girl school for 4 years and now we get introduced to boys

I thought great a bunch of people I hate

Yeah I dated my first year…I dated a lot but only because deep down I still believed in love

I remember my one day this guy and his friends were laughing at me and one of the guys said she may be ugly right now but just wait till she gets older

He used me…and that continued for years….but he taught me something that would later affect my life down the line

I can no longer count how many times my heart was played

I started to smoke a lot but it only helped me deal with the bs that was right in front of me

11th grade rolled around

I lost my virginity

People amazed how I wanted so long

but I regret It every day of my life

I barely knew this person

I met him where all 21centry meets

Online

He was so beautiful

I thought damn he likes me

And I hate the way I put it but at the time its how I thought

It was an honor to sleep with someone as gorgeous as him

But that was all he wanted

I wanted to be more I wanted to be his girlfriend but it was always a no

Behind his reaction was I love you though as a friend that was the first time someone other than family really said I love you

After that its like the guys fell in line some willing some unwilling

One after one got what they wanted and dipped

Neither seen the tears in my eyes

No one knew what I went through

No one cared enough to ask was I ok

I told my mom about the guys

We joked and laughed about it but deep down I told her everything because I needed help I wanted someone to stop me

No one told me to not look for love in the wrong places… no one told me that they loved me until I opened myself up to them…no one meant it

I went out partied, smoked, got messed up and it was all a cry for help…I wanted to not feel the pain of not being loved

I can no longer name all of the guys that walked into my life and got what they wanted….

I had hopes and dreams for days

I wanted to be an artist or a mathematician

I wanted to get married and have kids

I wanted to finish college

I wanted to be a Delta

I had hopes and dreams but they all went away because I constantly felt like nothing

….Now im 19, one semester of college, and pregnant….every day I felt like I was suffocating and no one cared enough to ask me am I okay…im afraid to bring a child into this world when im still trying to love myself…every day I wonder is it too late….every day I wonder what if I never met mister 11th grade, what if I never fell into the trap of she will be cute one day

What if my daddy told me that I was beautiful, and he loved me…what if my mom told me not to give up on true love…what if someone would just listen….

Can You Hear Me?