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It feels like I am malfunctioning. I am 22, never even had a kiss, not to mention a relationship.
The problem is, that I need to know a person, before I could love them, and I need to at least like them, to even concider a relationship.
It seems as a reasonable mindset, yet everyone who is interested in me romantically, seems to move on, before I could get to know them at least bit. I have tried to make moves on people earlier then I was feeling comfortable with, but I am just not interested, so in the end, that always ended terribly.
It seems like everyone just looks at eachother and they fall in love, and I just keep guessing, how is that even possible? Like, after the second or third date it already shows that you aren't interested, if you still didn't kiss, yet how could I know someone, with whom I only had three meaningful conversations, in my whole life? I just don't get it.
And yes, I understand that once someone is interested, then it does hurt when the other doesn't seem to be, so they soon will move on, but the ones who don't show any strong interest since the first moment, usually try to avoid me, so they don't even try to get to know me. I am so confused..
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No malfunction here. You have standards.
ReplyThank you! :)
ReplyThere’s no problem with that. Don’t worry, great things always take time.
ReplyThank you! I'm just a bit afraid that if I continue like this, then I won't be understood. Those times I wonder, if I should give up on my views a bit, in order to get to know someone better, and in this way, follow my views. But whenever I tried this, it never ended well.. I can't help it, but whenever I force myself to let others closer, it ends up with me in valuing them more, than they do me, and then: getting hurt.
ReplyTo me, you seem sort of like a hopeless romantic, except you don't fall for people easily. I am almost the exact same way. I value emotional and strong bonds before anything else. Yet it takes me a long time to form those emotional bonds. Most people who you will date in life will seem more "lustful" than you. Not to say that they are addicted to sex but that they follow the hook up culture while you don't. Physical contact seems to be a very important thing to you as well. Almost like a milestone. And I am the same way. People often see me as cold when I dislike giving acquaintances hugs. And you are going more for a long term relationship than a simple "fling" or "one night stand". So I would say that you just need to find another person who has common goals as you. And I know that is difficult because of our hookup culture. Sort of like Jane in Austenland. You need to form a very heavy bond and it seems almost as if your type of "interested" means that you are looking for a long lasting relationship. But that's just my understanding. I'm no cupid. But I think you need someone who is also slow to trust while looking forward to having a long-term relationship. Sorry this comment was so long. But I'm the exact same way so I hope that my view of your personality is correct.
ReplyThank you! Yes, you are correct about me!
Even about the physical contact part, eventhough I honestly don't know what gave that away about me.
I try to force myself to be more open for those things, because earlier I used to freak out even when just someone accidentally touched me. I didn't show it, but I was extremely unconfortable with it, and soon after, I tried to get as far away as I could. Now it's at least a bit better, because now I just "freeze" when someone who I don't know starts touching me, to show interest. However it's not about that I dislike those things. For example I really like hugging with my family members. But not people who I don't know at all. However I try to get used to that aswell, it seems to me that it's neccesary for me to do, to be able to be a part of society.
Yes, I don't think that we are wrong in how we see these things, but I do feel sometimes as if I was using a different language, than everyone else, and I feel, that maybe I should learn, and use their language, to make them understand me.
This whole thing is just really hard for me to do, since I am a guy, and I am supposed to be a bit "pushy", but I don't like this role, especially not, when I just got to know someone.
ReplyTo me, what gave away the fact that you really value physical contact is the fact that you haven't kissed someone before. Especially on a first date. I am the same way so I'm not judging or shaming. But something that I have picked up so that I can get closer to people is that I've picked up how to read people well. Like how I "read" your personality pretty well when reading your post. And there is still a lot more to learn about a person and such. But that is just something I do. I sort of get a picture of that person and that way I feel a little closer to them and a little more used to them. But that's just what I personally do. You also sort of shouldn't try to force it. It's like trying to heal a bullet wound with an off brand band-aid. It's a band-aid and does a good job at keeping the blood in but it doesn't actually heal anything. And I know that society sort of demands that you be "pushy" but I say "screw society". You should be comfortable and if the other person really does want to make it work, they should wait for you to be comfortable. I have a tendency myself that whenever someone accidentally brushes up against me, I have to move away to make sure that it doesn't happen again. And I freeze if someone I hardly know hugs me. But don't get me wrong. I really enjoy hugs and I really would like to cuddle up to someone. But I just don't know anyone that much to where I'd be comfortable with it. And while it is good to every once in a while step outside of your comfort zones, you shouldn't push yourself to. You don't want to get overly stressed because of it. So just take baby steps and not giant leaps. Work your way through it slowly. I know what it's like to feel isolated. Like everyone is talking about something you don't know about and so you want to learn it just to be able to communicate with them more easily or be seen as part of the group. But I have to warn you that just because others are that way doesn't mean that you have to be that way as well. The good thing is that we have the internet. So instead of trying to change to be more like them, I suggest you just find more people who are like you. If you want to, you can email me at bottlecaps657@gmail.com but you don't have to. Just in case you feel the need to continue talking about this. And there is nothing wrong with being the way you are. It's just part of your personality. My thing to better communicate with people is by looking at different viewpoints as well as empathizing with them. I may not fully understand their language but I do understand enough to communicate. Every person has basic communication skills. And they tend to communicate with people who are more like them or who can understand them. So maybe instead of trying to change something so critical, you can simply learn things such as empathizing and looking from different viewpoints (not saying you don't do those already).
Reply👇🏼 Totally agree! I’m the exact same way (and age) and I wouldn’t give away my standards for anyone. When the right person comes along, they won’t be turned away by believing in something more than a fling. Relationships take work and there is no overnight answer.
ReplyThank you! I hope so aswell. And I totally agree with you that a good relatiomship takes work, for me that's what mostly puts value in a relationship.
Reply