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Often people get this phase in life when they have to choose between two difficult choices. It may reflect a big step of life or, a hanging phase between life and death. One wise decision and you change your life as you dream of or, one wrong move and you are out of the game. Wow, life is a very interesting but risky game.
I am going to this phase now. I am processing to go to Australia for my higher studies; my master degree. I have decided to go for sure and have come this far. But sudden change of mind occurred in my mind today. I am scared. Yeah, I am nervous and scared and feeling lonely.
I read one confession today in fb from a girl who has been lived in Australia for about 10 months. She explains some of her background, her dreams and expectations and finally the reality she experiences there. She regrets to make that choice. At first i felt bad for her. But then the negative vibe surrounded me as empathy. I felt lost and defeated. I felt much afraid and can hear my dreams cracking or falling down below in dark.
Actually this isn't the only thing that pushed me down. I was told about how difficult it would be for a single girl to study and live alone in Australia. People suggested me to get married and go on dependent. Well, although i wish, that doesn't match for me. I heard and read from people currently staying in Australia. Only 1 out of 100 has positive or supporting comment. Else, they either demotivate or, make fun of circumstances.
I can't see my parents being sad and in trouble. They have saved money from very long from our small business. I don't want their investment to sink in sea. I thought to earn money as well while studying in Australia for living, tuition fees and send to home as well. But listening to the experienced people there, it seems very difficult to even pay tuition fees and one has to ask for money from home. That would totally break my heart. And it will be so difficult to be far from family as well. Everything will be different. Everything will change whether into good or bad.
I have already considered all these circumstances and possible outcomes and difficulties i have to face alone. I completely resisted and stood up for myself and my dream all these times. Those negative rays couldn't get through me but reflects back from the positive and confident shield i created around me. But today i felt like, i woke up from a dream. And realizing the reality of present scenario and again reprocessing everything, i felt like falling out of bed and intense about what to do now. It's late to take a step back and am now scared to move my step forward. I am in the middle of the bridge and ropes of both sides is getting thinner. I got to run to either sides. And once i choose a side, i lose other one.
I have a bigger dream. It's not bad to dream big. But one really need to struggle and have enough strength to give it life. You gotta love that dream so much to accomplish that all struggles and fear on the way would seem smaller to you. Or, you got that courage to defeat them all the way to reach to your goal.
Claiming opportunities is in own's hand. Conditions differ according to people's attitude towards life and his response to every events. I got lots of information about studying and living in Australia through internet. I got demotivated more than supporting comments. Are these information warning me or, just testing me and my courage? I wonder. I can only cross-fingered and prayed for them to be fake.
P.S. Sorry, I couldn't encourage myself to feel or think positive this time. I just need some time.
God, I believe in you, I believe in me. Please give me a sign. Please prevent me to take any bad steps in my life. #faith
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