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The end is near. My veins pulsate at the thought of your touch. Your kind smile with elegance pulsing out of you. Why is a touch into my soul so exhausting and yet so bleak at once? For once I felt. I felt something so addictive that cocaine or booze could not even compare. Everyone has their fix. My fix is a bleak hopeless fix that pulses through me even when I haven't seen you or even talked to you in weeks.
What may I say is something so exhilarating and deteriorating all at once? A simple fix from another human. A simple lifestyle that leads only to pain, worry, and fear. You're everything I can't imagine to hate. I feel a bleak, empty hope in my existence just knowing you're right there next to me. Week in, week out you're there. All you want is not time and my mind. I don't think I can give you this anymore. I listen to myself begging to spend time with you. Begging for my feelings to release.
My hopeless addiction to you only leads to more pain. My expelled cries only lead to no or it may be in the future. I live in the moment more because of you. I feel the pain of knowing that you're there even though I wish for more of you. I beg for more to feed into my addiction. I know there's no way to fill this void with anything but your touch, your heart, the strobing ecstasy that could have been. I live for five years from now. I dream of being a role model yet here I am all strung out because this addiction is getting the best of me.
What is addiction? Addiction is your body, mind, soul, and world edging you closer to a cliff that you can't climb back on top of. I let myself get a taste of everything that you are and will always be. I told myself no to things that felt so right. I knew earlier that it wasn't right. It could only lead to huge pains. Here I am still sitting here wishing I could have uttered a simple 3 word, 8 letter sentence that would have still lead to this moment.
Is there anyone out there that can truly heal this feeling? I can't hold grudges onto myself anymore. I wish that I could break these locks and let myself live. I joined things, I searched for things, I only found more darkness. I'm an empath that only wishes to help you beat the things that are holding you back. I walk there next to you begging to be more than a best friend you see for part of the year. I will never know what it's like to actually have a happy ending.
I need to cut myself off but, I can't. I don't want to lose you. I don't want to lose the addiction who gets deep into my mind even when I lay down to sleep. I get stuck in this thought carousel.
I sit here wondering why I let myself get addiction to a simple feeling of true understanding. Of true elightenment and ride or die attitudes that only left me here alone on a normal night. I look deep into the intoxicated hole my addiction leaves. I find that it's truely what holds me down and what keeps me from being who I need to be.
The High of watching you. The high of seeing a simple fix to this is just as dark as the hold my breath against my addiciton. I spin myself into thinking being high off this crippling drug only leads me to believe that you, you ever so sweet and still throbbing hold you have only falls me deeper in. Having you there leads to some sort of closure knowing my addiction is one swing away. One call away. One deal from consuming my only sanity left.
Sanity, this is what I'm left with. A fearful grain left of this. Coming down is ever so tough. The graceful nature you have pulsing to every inch of me only causes grief and sorrow. I live in the future yet, all I think about is the first month. The first injection of these feelings.
When I have my fix I am able to be extroverted into a world where I am one of 3. One of the few in a dominated whirlwind of anguish.
You, you dirty fix. I can't thank you enough for every bit of hell you have made for me. I let you in, I let an addiction latch onto my world. Onto my entire conscious and unconscious mind.
My soul begs me to stop. My friends now see the pain and hell you bring. My best friend, my best associate in this world shifted from a great hold to now a twine-like slice of hope. Hope for this to be something beatable, not something that will consume my entire future.
My addiction attacks whenever I get to a level of deep thought. I fear my everyday world will soon shift into realizing that this addiction is more than just a thought. More than anything this world could provide.
What is fear? Fear is knowing you will make the dive and give into a hold that has you latched on. Why let it in? Why did I give this stimulant, this high a foothold into my whole life? I make mistakes that effect everything around me yet they don't consume my entire world.
Let me go. Let me free from the shakles of hell you have turned my world into. I need the clarity of fully being chemical, anxiety, pain free that you never gave me. That's a lie. You gave me freedom. Your hell bent fix gave me what I needed then. I was given light when darkness was all around me.
In the end, you gave me a temporary hold. Serenity was granted only for a short period. Only for a quick week, a quick night of pure heaven. My run with you needs to end. My run with you, my painful addiction needs to rest in the hell you came to me in. A fearful grain of what could have been needs to be buried underneath the pain, the abuse it is to let you continue to feed me. Just utilize living in an anomaly.
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