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Externally, I'm content. I'm calm, easygoing, artistic, brainy, love the stars, and have a good set of family and friends. Mostly everyone accepts me for being gay, and I'm glad. But internally, I'm in turmoil. I feel purposeless, hopeless, lost, afraid of the future and new things, and I still hold on to a past trauma that affects me to this day. Being unemployed, overweight, and 21 also doesn't help. It's at the point where I'm not actively suicidal, but if someone offered me the option to make it so that I and any memory of me in people's heads cease to exist, I'd probably take it.
It's a pendulum for me. One day I'll be in wonder about the world and people, enjoying spending time with friends and family and living life. Then the pendulum swings around, and I spend the day quiet, introspective, and wondering why the world is such a cruel and messy place. I'm an INFP. An idealist, and a sensitive guy. I feel like I'll never belong in the "real world," where no one cares.
I don't know. I'm in turmoil, and eventually this facade of contentment is going to break.
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My Dude. I know it's harsh to say but dude you got to get up and get moving. I was like you unemployed and over weight. I was developing depression but you know what I was smacked hard with inspiration. My Marine Recruiter told me "If you quit now you are always going to quit in life." I'm going to be real with you man but Get up and get moving let's go bro put some muscle into it and get going!!!
ReplyHarsh, but true at least. While the military is too extreme an option for me, I do agree that I need to pick myself up and just DO something or GO somewhere and kick myself into action. It's just hard after living in the same spot for 21 years and forming a life and attachments in this lame old town.
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