Relationships are not my strong suit.

My experience with relationships has been generally pretty rocky. Complicated by the fact that I'm gay, introverted, and an idealistic romantic. I've had a few girlfriends, but they don't count. They were just friends that I somewhat used to cover my identity before I accepted it. Then, my best friend who was also gay blackmailed me and made my life hell for the longest time, so that already kinda started me on the wrong foot.

Then I found Grindr. I went on dates with a lot of guys, but nothing ever developed. Held hands with some, saw movies, grabbed lunch, the usual. Nothing developed.

Until one summer. I met a guy, and we hit it off. We had a lot in common, and he was cute and kind and smart and just overall really great. We dated for the summer, but once it ended and classes/work kicked in, it just fizzled out. He has a boyfriend now, and as much as I want him to be happy however it comes, I just wish it could've been me.

I got desperate a while ago. Had my first experience with anal with some Scruff hookup. It's whatever, but it wasn't the best first experience. Kinda lame. Another experience after that was also pretty unpleasant. A guy I used to talk to broke up with his boyfriend, and in my desperation, shut my brain down long enough to jump the gun and ask him out, conveniently forgetting that this guy has severe abandonment and clinginess issues. My brain starts working again, and I have to turn him down since I realized my rashness was a terrible idea. He flips, and just yells and berates me for like two days. I feel like I dodged a bullet, but also like I put the gun in his hand.

Cut to a few months ago, and I find a new guy. He's nice, cute, and we also have stuff in common. We went on a date, had some fun after, and kept talking for a while. But I guess I got my hopes up too soon, and didn't see that maybe he wasn't as interested and just kinda strung me along. Wanted to go on dates, but never found the time. Asked him, he wasn't sure. Then the kicker. This morning, he sends me a picture of him and some guy in bed together. That... stung, to say the least. Now I have an idea why he didn't have the time.

Like what was the point? I don't know how to feel. I don't want to think that he'd want to hurt me or send me packing with such a gut-punch, but why else would he send it? It feels like I'm just doomed. Never to find a boyfriend who cares and will stick around. It sucks to feel so romantically and sexually lonely.