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I'm done trying. I'm sick of trying to make changes, creating reasons only to distract myself from who I really am. I will always be a socially insecure loser. I will always have a poor work ethic who can't get shit done. I have a stupid brain and it just doesn't work like other brains do. I'm sick and tired of all this congealed bullshit that I mentally feed myself every time I drag myself out of bed to go to school. A place full of manipulative and mean spirited dick heads who will do anything for their friends and fame. I'm failing my exams, I'm failing everything. I have nothing going for me. Not even my personality. When I was 11 years old, I used to cry and have anxiety attacks. I used to think I was gonna die. I used to wonder "why me?". But now I know. I am not someone who is attractive in any form. I am shy and ginger, a perfect combination for a bully.
I fucking hate everything. I hate my alcoholic dad whom I forced to live with. I hate all the teachers who don't even consider a student's home life, or their mental health. Instead "homework" is more important, instead "revision" is more important than wellbeing. People like to act like they're cool with me, but they wouldn't for the slightest be seen dead with me. Fuck you. Fuck prom. You don't know what I'm actually like, when you say "How are you?" You don't actually give a fuck. You just expect a "Fine, thanks. You?" back. Then I think how life will "get better" outside of school. But then I realise school is just how life is on a smaller scale. We're taught how to be part of a system. A system full of people who are in a society in which we are these mindless puppets for these companies. We sedate ourselves and try to forget what life is really like. We use iPhones and Samsungs to use social media. To post pointless pictures that fuel our egos. To lie about how are life is like when in reality all of us live the same one.
I lie in my bed in pain. Literally feeling pain right now and I don't know why. My fucking abdominals are killing me. This shit's making me cramp.
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I've done literally nothing in months. Almost 10 months. Almost a year. The day comes, most days I won't get out of bed until 2pm, eat something, lay back down...
Nice to see you recognized one thing (the school / system stuff) but sadly missed the other (What I really am..). Because we are all a lot more than we think or even believe. We are multiple, we have tons of masks. You have one at school, one to your alki dad, etc. And behind the mask there is nothing, we are all masks. You perhaps need some new masks to show you OTHER selves you also have. One of those could be something with sport, do some fitness, get strong and tough if only for the sake of having nothing better to do and not wanting to think about anything. Getting tired helps a lot and also boosts the brain so that you get new thoughts.
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