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Recently I've been overwhelmed in many ways. Stressful situations with my personal life, relationship and other aspects. But the worst is the stress from WORK. Especially when I'm handling a immensely large project on my own, fighting a battle that I can't win alone. Work stress is affecting every aspect in my life. Constantly being mentally and emotionally exhausted. Not being able to sleep at night due to the never-ending to-do lists that run through my mind. The other day, my mind went to a dark place. I was in a Uber with a horrible driver and I thought to myself, wouldn't it be so convenient if we got into a major car crash and when that didn't happen, my mind jumped to different methods of suicide. Where my mind went scared me. What people see when they see me is someone who is always smiling, who's happy-go-lucky and cheerful but they have no idea what goes on when the doors separate me from the public. I have no energy to meet up with friends or family or even do the activities I love anymore. Things that would excite me and make me smile no longer have that effect. The worst part for me is going through all of this alone. Living alone. I can't share as I do not want the people I love to worry about me. They have better things in their lives to worry about or pay attention to. I don't know who to talk to. I constantly feel like I'm at the brink of doing something that would end it all. The fact that I haven't been able to sleep for the past few months have affected the way I think too and I've contemplated getting sleeping pills to help but I'm scared that one day, my mind might decide to take one too many sleeping pills and I'll never wake up. I've never felt so depressed in my life.
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