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Every single day, when i ride the bus i tell myself that i am the worst person ever. every single day, at the beginning of the school day and at the end, i tell myself this. my goal is to actually begin to hate myself. i think that i started telling myself this when the guy i like (ill call him Brian, and thats not his real name) started paying more attention to my friend (ill call her lily). this devastated me. he ignores me all the time. i have to call his name like 4 times, tap his shoulder to get him t notice me. i kept on looking for the answer to WHY he was ignoring me. i started to notice the looks people gave me. my closest friends now think something is wrong with me, because i'm dark and gloomy. i write poems at school, most of them having a hidden meaning, and all of them being either dark/gloomy. this is obviously where they got the idea. i remember making one about wanting to climb a mountain but not being able to. this represents the idea that i am a failure. i kept on looking for reasons why people hated me. all i kept finding was faults. im happy that i did, because now whenever i do/say something stupid or embarrassing, i am able to get myself to hate myself even more than i already do. whenever i do something stupid i hurt myself. dont worry (even though i doubt you care about my health or my problems, like you should), i dont cut myself. at least, not yet. i dont know what would happen if i brought a knife. im slightly worried of what ill do when i get older.
i think that one of the reasons that i try to hate myself is because that way ill get used to people hating me. that way i wont be as hurt when someone like brian chooses someone like lily over me.
just so you know, im a fifth grader and i live in the US. i know im messed up, okay? dont tell me something i already know please. people already do that all the time in my school.
-SD-
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