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I am ignorant and Daft. (You don't need to read this, I am just writing out my thoughts)
6 years ago · 1 · Stress, +3
1126
No matter how hard I try, I will always be ignorant and worthless. I try my best in my studies, I work hard, I study everyday, my father still won't accept how hard I try. I am taking AP classes, in honor rolls, I get straight A's and I pass my SOL's in advance, but he still compares me with my cousins, he still tells me that I should study and not focus on anything else. Here is what I mean, He believes that the only way I can get into a good college is to study 24/7, and to do anything else. I try to convince him that I need to do some extra curricular activities, such as volunteering, job, clubs, or sports, but he simply gets all crazy and mad, telling me to just study. When I try thinking about what college to go to, he says that these are later things, and I should just focus on high school. I GET IT, he is saying these for my benefits, but when I get invited to undergraduate programs, activities, communities by colleges, he throws it away in the trash, saying that these are useless. NO THESE ARE NOT, I pass my NMSQT (National merit scholarship qualifying test) and I get many opportunities for different things, but no, my dad simply throws it in the trash, LITERALLY CROSSING OFF MY NAME WITH A MARKER AND TEARING IT. Why won't he understand that these aren't spam, NO ONE IN MY CLASS/FRIENDS GET THESE, I already asked them, and they said that no..Even my counselor/teachers tell me that I should benefit from these for college because no one else commonly get these...I AM ALREADY DOING EVERYTHING TO MAKE HIM HAPPY. I agreed to lie to myself that I love medical and I am just thinking about medical college, I have always taken electives about Bio, Health Science, Computer Science, all these boring things for my dad, I HATE STUDYING! But if I don't, he obviously wants my benefits, he is forcing me to take all these classes etc for my good, but isn't this getting over dramatic when today I got a scholarship opportunity which no one else gets and my dad tears it and throws it in the trash, and I get upset, saying to take this serious and while he is holding a knife for cutting a cake he tells me to shush or else he will stab me with the knife? I know he won't/can't do that, he said that out of anger, BUT WHY IS HE ANGRY/SCOLDING ME? He already controls my life with who to hangout with/where I can go or not, HE IS TOO OVER PROTECTIVE! I want to make a decision of my life , at least ONE BY MYSELF! I am not a kid anymore, no one can tell me what to where/what to like...At least I have the right to do my hobby at home which is to draw/write stories, I know, I won't get benefits from these useless stuff, but you know why I am writing these stuff in novni? Because he said that first I should make myself capable of getting scholarships and I should show him, he said it in an angry tone, if he wants me to continue working hard for something he likes, (not me), then at least he shouldn't be angry at me all the time, I am not a kid anymore, I mature enough to think by myself and I know what I like and what I don't. This isn't a major problem like social/relationship/abuse problems, I think I am too sensitive, or maybe I am just upset for no reason. I DON'T CARE, but I have this 8 year old brother who is obsessed with astronomy, and my dad is gonna force him to be a doctor too, I asked my dad what he is gonna make my brother be, and he was like, "A doctor, what else? I know what is best for you two.". Then I replied/begged my father,"WHAT? No, I don't want him to be something you like! HE HAS HIS OWN CHOICE. He will be anything he wants." And then he scolded me for saying this, (At least he can't do physical abuse like he used to do anymore because we are living in the US now,)... I DON'T CARE! This isn't anything major to worry about, I have more things to worry about when it comes to my social life, but right now, I am starting to HATE SCHOOL AND HATE STUDIES. And my social life is already a disaster, I don't want my academic life to get ruined because I am losing interest in this. In future, I am gonna be a complete ZERO AND LOSER, in my social life and both my academic/career life, he is gonna be SO DISAPPOINTED IN ME if I choose anything else in my career, I know he wants my best, but he doesn't understand my mix of emotions. He loves me as a father, but this isn't the way...CRAP!
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Listen up. You must be around 16-18 years old? Consindering you're in high school. I have a similar father. One who I feared deeply, because he controlled my life, and everything I did. One day, i got sick, and basically I went through a lot with treatment etc. It ruined my high school grades, I barely even got my diploma(but I did). Anyway. That experience changed me completely. For one thing, I was no longer afraid of my father. Well actually l was. But it gave me the courage to stand up to him. For example, he would tell me ''You WILL major in psychology'', and I would say ''No!!''. And then he would be screaming angry. Like really furious. So furious. And then he would say ''Oh Yes you WILL or else!!''. And I would simply reply, -
''No! Or else what? What are you going to do about it? Hit me? Throw me out of the house? Go on! Do it'' And then I would scream ''I DARE YOU!!''.
Usually our fights would stop right about there. Cause he knew he couldn't hurt me physically. I mean he could, but, by law, he's not allowed. And he knew l would find someplace to stay. For a while at least. But none of that mattered. What mattered to him was, that i stood up to him. And that meant, that no matter what he said, or what he did. He WOULD NOT get his way. So he never actually threw me out of the house, because that wouldn't change the fact that he didn't get his way. He always threatned me with it though. I hope this story makes you brave enough to stand up to your father as I did with mine.
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