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Started when i was a kid.
Grew up close to my siblings with lots of friends. My parents used to raise me well even if they hit me or yelled at me I love them for it. We have lovely talks and we still do almost daily about life and everything.
Then high school is when i noticed how fucked up everything was. People think I am some smart genius when indeed I am smart but am no genius. I get lucky by passing every exam by itself wishing i do well. I have enough common sense to get by life without putting much effort into my studies, it was never a problem except for some bumps on the way with exams here and problems there that I didn't manage to pass in.
I lived in a community and so I thought that I had to fit in. I never thought like others do I always thought I had a special sixth sense that most people don't have, it being awareness and logic, and a whole lot of perspective about life. The thing is I did not really fit in. I used to play along and mingle and try my best to fit in. People may think I am confident and don't have insecurities but that is just because i hide them. I am fat, I am awkward, I am weird, I am annoying, sometimes childish and many more. Just because I hide who I am doesn't mean I can live on pretending to be someone I am not. I am happy to say I am optimistic, funny, kindhearted and open minded. I believe in a god and I believe he gave me this personality for a reason, then I realize how careless i am with myself. I act like things don't matter when deep inside they do. I don't know what I'm doing with my life and I don't know where to start. My mind takes me to fucked up places sometimes and makes me do fucked up things i'm not proud of.
I don't know how many people in this world I can call a friend except for my family plus one more true friend. This friend is the only person who ever asks about me even though he is the farthest from me. He makes sure I arrived safely after a vacation trip and he asks how my trip or day was. Other than that you have people I am not even sure I can call human. You have a girl that like and care about getting hurt be people I warned her about, and I am sitting here wondering why I still care when she hasn't been very open with me lately. I try to go with the flow but it doesn't work because I am not normal.
You might say I'm depressed but I can assure you I am not. I have hope in the after life god made for us. I'm optimistic about my life in the future even if I can't seem to imagine what direction it will head off in. This hope is what keep a smile on my face than tears rolling down it. Its what gets me up in the morning to do my bed rather than hide under my sheets. It was keep the deep cycle of depression away from me and lets happy days pass by instead. I don't dwell on many things. I don't feel things easy although I am emotional. It's weird I know I am weird. People can only ever hurt me once because the second time i wouldn't care for them enough to get hurt again. I can only trust you once, because once you abuse my trust I will always have a doubt in my mind that you do it again. If you manage to hurt me than you should know you did something horrible because I can get humiliated in front of a stadium before feeling hurt however the sight of a homeless child walking on the street can put me into a river of tears.
The world is so fucked up that we have billionaires sitting right next to homeless, poor souls that don't have BASIC HUMAN NEEDS! Whats is wrong with you people, what is wrong with our world. People don't see it but this isn't a place I would call home anymore. Love used to be something that tied most people together, kept people feeling safe, and give everyone a smile. Now love is just a hobby people think they share just to try and go with the flow or to pass time.
My few "friends", I expected might help ease down my hard days, didn't even give me a call in 2 months to check if I was alive. Not a single text, comment, post, nothing... Yet someone I had never talked to but I still know had asked me If I arrived safely at home! The girl I used to feel comfortable sharing details of my life with straight up ghosted me. And the school I was hoping to get into rejected me.
I don't know whats going on with your life but we are in a fucked up world so i wouldn't be surprised with any outcome. I am just gonna try to do me because I don't give a fuck what people think anymore. I am gonna be myself and fuck anyone who thinks they are entitled to tell me otherwise. We live in a fucked up world and I guess if you wanna survive you have to be fucked up yourself...
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ReplyI completely agree.. Once i got into high-school, it's like i truly saw what the world is.
The world we live in is completely fucked up.
ReplyYou could not be any more correct.
Reply