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there was a girl. and she was the first person that I loved. I see that now. I thought I was over her. but I wasn't. or rather, I'm not sure if I am. and it's hard to get to a good place and then have a revelation that sets you back literal years. three years ago I had a crush on this girl. the first girl I actually had a crush on. and it was really eye-opening to me as a person and it's shaped me into who I am today. sometimes I wish I had never fallen for her, but then I would probably have hated myself more and probably would have actually killed myself. it's so hard especially since I'm in a relationship and I love my girlfriend. but sometimes it's hard. it's hard to see her, the girl I used to love. it's hard to see her, talk to her, think about her without thinking of how I ruined our friendship. it's really been a problem because recently my "actions" almost broke me and my girlfriend up. well, we actually did break up but got back together a few days later. and my "actions" weren't even known to me at the time they occurred. a friend told me I was flirting with her and it sent me into a spiral and I said something about it online and she saw it. it made me feel awful and I wanted it to just go away. I've wished that so many times I had never met that girl. wished that we had just stayed friends and I didn't become obsessed with the idea of her. it would have been so much easier for me and probably for her. it was so obvious and I was oblivious to what I was doing and how toxic it made my mind. three years later I still think about her and feel guilty about it. three years later I worry about what I say to her. three years later I'm still too embarrassed to try to be her friend. I know I already messed it up. I loved her and she didn't love me back. and I didn't even need her to tell me that to know. I knew I didn't have a chance with this girl but I still wanted to be with her. it basically ruined my life. I ruined my life and anything I tried to do about it just made me think about her more and that never helped. I don't know what to do about it. I loved her so much and I don't know how to get rid of it. I thought I did but I don't think I have. if I had I don't think I would be writing this on an anonymous website where no one I know in real life will probably ever see it unless I send them a link to it. and that is very unlikely. I just want to get over this girl. I don't want to feel so awkward around her, I just want her to be a friend. the past can't be changed and I know that. I just want my future to be filled with friendship instead of past of just weird confused feelings. I know I know you can't change the past, but I wanted things to just go so well and they haven't and it makes me upset at how much I've messed things up. yeah, that's basically it. I loved this girl and I hope I still don't... it would hurt me too much like it did in the past...
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If you can't move on, maybe it's time to tell her what you feel, so you can finally have closure. Make up your mind first on what you want. If you want to be more than friends, break up with your gf first. It's unfair to keep her when you love someone else. Still there's no assurance your feelings will be reciprocated, or if she'd still want to stay as friends. At least you wont be stuck. And all three of you can move forward
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